


Alive

by Silver_Rabbit



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Relationships, Anal Sex, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Denial, Depression, Developing Relationship, Fights, First Kiss, Happy Ending, Insecure Harry, Loneliness, Low Self-Esteem, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Panic Attacks, Physical Abuse, Rape/Non-con Elements, Secrets, Smoking, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Triggers, Victim Blaming
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-05-21 22:53:28
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 7
Words: 26,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14924387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silver_Rabbit/pseuds/Silver_Rabbit
Summary: Harry comes from broken home, he's lonely, depressed, hopeless, he's in the endless cycle of abuse, he let's it happen and blames himself.Louis is a happy and optimistic person who meets Harry at the time of his life when he's just starting to realize, only he can help himself to fix his life.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoy it.

Happiness is such a big word. It’s simple and we use it so often but sometimes it brings too much pressure. What if I will never be happy, what if I won’t know happy when I feel it, what if being happy is not enough, what if ‘happy’ is just a mood and we expect too much from an emotion.  
Harry can’t even remember the last time he truly felt happy. Maybe it was his childhood, when he was careless and loved, before he knew that bad things are not just a theory, but something that happens to real people, something that happens to him. Along the way things changed, now childhood felt like a good dream that you forget once you’re awake, and all you’re left with is a tingling feeling of something that you let slip through your fingers.

It all started with money problems, when he was 9, his stepfather had lost his job, it was okay at first, he spent more time with the family, they had dinner together every day, watched movies. Late at night he talked with Anne about business ideas he had, sometimes when harry couldn’t sleep, he would sit there with them in his pajamas, excited about this new thing his parents were talking about, even though he didn’t understand it. They were happy but after few months, things started to change, he got more irritated and angry, he didn’t want to talk or spend time with them anymore, the thing was, his business failed and he lost a lot of money, it all went downhill from there.  
Harry’s mom had to pick up more shifts at the hospital where she worked as a nurse, his stepdad eventually got a new job, but it didn’t pay as much as he hoped for and he hated it, so he became angry, him and Anne would always fight and scream, it lasted for a few months, then one day he just left. 

It was hard at first, they were barely getting by, Harry being the only child, had to grow up too early, learning to take care of himself and his mother, who worked all the time. They didn’t struggle with money that much later in life, but Anne was exhausted and soon she started acting moody and weird. Harry, being a child didn’t understand what was happening, until one day he found Anne passed out on the couch with the bottle of vodka near her.  
Soon it became a regular thing, so Harry had to take care of Anne more, he was doing his best to help her, take care of himself and keep up with school, but he was only 10. Slowly he lost all his friends, his mom wasn’t around much, so he was feeling lonely.

Once, when he was 14 he decided to talk to his mom about the drinking, he suggested that maybe she should slow down a little, or get help, but he regretted it instantly, Anne’s eyes went wide, she looked at him with disgust and slapped him. He jumped back his eyes starting to tear up. That had never happened before.  
“you little ungrateful boy” she said, her voice low and her eyes full of disgust “you are the worst thing that ever happened to me, you know that? I could have been happy but I have to bust my ass and work too much to support you, I do everything for you, take care of you, and this is how you talk to me? I wish I never had you.” Her tone was calm, like what she said was so obvious it shouldn’t even be surprising.  
Harry went to his room, shocked, shaking and sobbing, maybe that was the night that finally cracked him. He felt more alone than ever, he felt like he lost the only anchor he ever had and he could never get it back, he wished he could just disappear. He laid in the bed, curled up and wanted to sleep and never wake up, but sleep never came that night.  
Next morning felt different, sky seemed grayer, weather - colder, food didn’t taste the same, he felt tired. His mom didn’t remember anything, or if she did, she never commented on it. She was distant and cold, maybe a little more than usual, or it was just Harry imagining. Harry wished so much that he was older, or had someone else to go live with. He hated everything.

When harry was 15 he met Luna, she was pretty and weird. She had short black hair, always wearing low double ponytails, she had a cute nose and freckles all over her cheeks and nose, she was in his History class. The only reason Harry talked to her in the first place, was because they had to do presentation together, and after that they just stayed friends. She was what harry lacked in life, someone to make him brave, someone to make him want to live again. Luna was the only person to whom Harry had told he was gay. She smiled and told him that everything would be alright. They became best friends after that, Luna was the friend Harry needed, he felt better, spent all days with her. He felt happier.  
It all went to shit one day, there was a big party, Luna was very excited to go, she had just gotten with this older guy - Ethan and she was very excited for Harry to meet him.  
“come on H! best friend’s approval, I need you”  
“you know I don’t like parties Luna, just leave it” said harry, lighting up a cigarette.  
“pretty please, just this once, for me?” she made puppy eyes at him and he sighed in defeat.  
“just please, don’t just fuck off with your boyfriend and leave me alone… I barely know anyone there”  
“I would NEVER!” she said.  
“oh, save it…” harry rolled his eyes, remembering the last party they went to.  
“alright, I’m a shit excuse for a friend, I promise I’ll be better” she said dramatically. Causing harry to laugh.

***

It was 10:30 when he arrived at the party, thinking the later he went, the less time he had to spend there. Luna was already there, and already drunk, making out with who harry assumed was Ethan. He went up to them and awkwardly tried to make Luna notice him, when she did, she pulled away from Ethan, wrapping her skinny arms around harry like she didn’t see him just 5 hours ago. She was wearing dress with small flower print all over it and looked like she just stepped out of the cartoon.  
“you look lovely” harry whispered in her ear. She kissed his cheek in response.

"this is Ethan. Ethan this is Harry, I told you about him” Ethan smiled at him. There was something about him that Harry didn’t like, but he smiled at him anyway, for Luna. They were talking for another hour, until some friends called for Luna.  
“I’m gonna go say hi, you my favorite boys, get to know each other better meanwhile.” She smiled at them, leaving.  
Everyone at the party was very drunk, music was quite loud and it was dark. Harry felt really tense around Ethan, he wished the night would just end. He felt buzzed from the drinks he had he wanted to sleep.  
“so Harry, Luna told me all about you, you’ve been friends for how long?”  
“more than a year now” Harry answered awkwardly, taking sip of his beer.  
They were having a small talk, great… Harry felt very awkward, and as they talked Ethen was getting closer, soon he had his hand or Harry’s thigh, rubbing it. Harry flinched at the contact and stood up.

“I…I got to go to bathroom” he managed to say before running off to bathroom, he felt sick, what would he tell Luna, should he tell her at all? He was about to close the door but before he could, Ethan got inside with him.  
“what are you doing here” Harry was annoyed already.  
“you think I wouldn’t notice?”  
“what are you talking about?” Harry asked surprised, he was getting a little scared.  
“the way you were looking at me, licking your lips, such a slut you are, flirting with me in front of my girlfriend, your best friend, look what you did” he got closer, took Harry’s hand and put it on his crotch, he was hard. Harry didn’t know what to do, he was about to cry, or throw up, he wanted to get out but the door was locked and he was standing in front of it. 

“No I didn’t! I didn’t do anything.” Ethan laughed and it sounded scary. “look, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to, please let go of me” Harry tried again, he was crying now, panicked, his wrist hurt where Ethan was holding him.  
“I will” he gently stroked Harry’s cheek “baby I will, as soon as you fix what you did… now be a good whore and get on your knees” harry was sobbing now, shaking his head, saying “sorry” and “please let me go” and that’s when Ethan slapped him, hard, causing Harry to freeze, before he could come to his senses Ethan was forcing him on his knees and opening his zipper. He pushed his hard cock in Harry's mouth and started fucking it hard. Harry was trying to push him away, he couldn’t breathe, he was gagging and choking and everything hurt. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, He just wanted him to stop, wanted everything to stop, his head was spinning. There was a noise in his ears getting louder by the second, he tried to concentrate on the noise, tried to shut his eyes as if he would just disappear, it wouldn’t last forever, it couldn’t. It didn’t take long before Ethan was coming down his throat. It was finally over. Sobs didn't bring any relief, felt like nothing ever would.

“you are disgusting." Were the words that brought him back to reality. "how will you look Luna in the eyes after what you just did?” Ethan chuckled, as if he heard the funniest joke, suddenly his face darkened “You’re such a slut! If you tell anyone I will kill you, you hear me? You better keep your stupid mouth shut.” And then he left, just like that, leaving Harry on the floor. He was a mess, he locked the door again and looked in the mirror, his hair was disheveled, there was spit and come all over his chin, he could still taste him, his throat was dry and it hurt.  
“what have I done, what have I done, oh god, I’m so sorry Luna… oh god…” he was repeating hysterically, while sobbing uncontrollably. He managed to clean his face, wash his mouth, make sure he looked normal and left the party. He didn’t say anything to Luna, he couldn’t look her in the eyes. He didn’t even remember getting home, it was all a blur, he remembers the long hot shower, brushing his teeth hysterically, not stopping when they started to bleed and then throwing the toothbrush away. He remembers the sobs of relief he let out after feeling the comforting smell of his sheets.

He didn’t get out of the bed for the next three days, he ignored Luna’s calls and texts, on the day four there was a knock on his door. He slowly got up to open it, just to be met with Luna, she looked pissed. Realization hit harry like a wave - she knew…  
“so is it true then?” she said impatiently, closing the door behind her, she crossed her arms. “I didn’t believe Stella when she told me she heard moans and saw Ethen leaving the bathroom after, and then you. I didn’t believe her, but then you disappear for three days…” she seemed calm, but the calm-before-the-storm kind of calm, she was jumpy and shaking, her eyes were red and watering.  
“answer me” she yelled, outraged, tears rolling down her eyes. Harry was crying.  
“I’m so sorry Luna I didn’t want to I…. I didn’t mean to” even though she already knew, her face twitched in pain when she finally heard him say it. She chuckled, it sounded painful and horrifying in the silence surrounding them.  
“save it, I’m so done with this, I don’t ever want to see you again, I hate you so fucking much.” she rubbed the bridge of her nose, to collect her thoughts, she wiped her tears away. “I don’t even give a shit about him, you know? You’re the one that hurt me, you! You, Harry Styles, are dead to me” she was no longer crying, just furious. And then she left, leaving harry in the hallway, crying, scared and more alone than ever before, only thing he wanted was to disappear, to not feel, to stop existing. He felt so small, he went back upstairs in his room, sobbing, he lit up a cigarette not caring about the smell.

The next afternoon he heard a knock on his door. He didn’t say anything, or move, he’s been awake for hours, but he just didn’t feel like getting up. The door opened.  
“Harry? Are you alright baby?” it was his mom. The thing is, it’s been a little over a month since she stopped drinking, or so she said, but Harry wasn’t buying it yet, it had happened before, he just couldn’t get his hopes up again. Harry didn’t answer. She sat on the bed.  
“are you mad at me? I haven’t seen you properly in a while, did you break up with your girlfriend?”  
“It’s summer, I don’t have anywhere to be.” Harry said irritated.  
“I know but you don’t eat properly, or talk or even come downstairs, and smoking, really? You’re not even hiding it H, what happened?”  
Harry sat up, annoyed, looked her in the eyes.

 

“since when do you give a shit, mom? It’s not like you were ever there for me, like you ever knew how I was feeding or sleeping or doing at school, and girlfriend? I’m gay mom, did you know? When I really needed you all you ever did was drink and ignore me, in the best case scenario, so whatever this is?! I don’t need it, save your guilt for somebody who gives a shit.” Harry knew he was being cruel to her, but he was mad at himself, her, the entire fucking world, so he needed someone to hurt as badly as he did, it was selfish, but he had run out of compassion, he was done walking on the eggshells.

He saw that his mom was speechless, her eyes were wide and tears were rolling down her cheeks. She looked miserable. He felt a little guilty, still looking at her eyes he slowly said “please, just leave” he was just tired and needed to close his eyes and not feel. So she did, she left his room and closed the door behind her.  
*** It was august now, and harry didn’t feel any better, his mom was trying to communicate, telling him she would fix things between them, that she was sorry, and that he could always talk to her. But he just couldn’t deal with her right now, so he ignored her.

***

One day it all got too much, the house, the cars outside the window, moving, people living their lives not understanding how he felt, the stupid dusty shelves that he was always too lazy to sort out, the stickers on the side of the table that he used to collect as a child. He felt so trapped, he felt something inside his chest pushing him to get up, to do something, to get away, it felt so claustrophobic, he couldn’t stand to be there, it felt like walls were closing in, he hated this room, hated his life. He got up and showered, then he took some money and headed out, he just needed to get out, go somewhere, away from this place. So he started walking and after a while he found himself in front of the club he and Luna used to go to, he had a fake ID, so he could get in, even though he wasn’t 18 for another year and a half.

He went in and ordered himself a drink or four, he felt the buzz, it made him feel better, the numbness was taking over, he heard the loud music, making his chest vibrate from the inside, after the fifth shot he got up to dance.  
For a while he lost track of time, he was moving and feeling the music flow through his veins. He felt numb, everything was spinning, he closed his eyes and it felt like he was the only person left in the world, like there were no people, no walls, just nothing, nothing but the music and him. He smiled and let the feeling sink in.  
Suddenly he felt someone’s hands on his waist, it felt good, like someone was holding him, he just wanted to lean against the warm body, he didn’t know he was lacking human contact so badly, it felt like the hands were the only thing linking him to this world, soon hands started moving and he felt the guy grinding against him, he slowly started to kiss his neck.  
On any other day he might have wanted it but today he just wanted to be held, to be comforted, but he thought maybe it was the price of getting some human warmth. So he let him do whatever he wanted, he had his eyes closed as the guy was all over him grinding on him and kissing him. Tears started to form in Harry’s eyes, he didn’t even know why. He tried to think about something else.  
'Just imagine you’re somewhere else, somewhere nice' the voice in his head said 'like the lake nearby mom would take you years ago, and it’s warm, sun is shining on your faces, you’re laughing, you are five years old, playing on the beach, mom is there and she’s smiling, you’re happy.'  
Soon the guy was gone, and he was left alone again, with parted lips and messed up appearance he was the only one on the dancefloor who was just standing, frozen. Suddenly he felt empty, like it was just an illusion, there was no warm body to hold him, so he held himself instead.

*** 

Few months passed in a blur, he started to work at the nearby café, with the start of new school year he was busier and had less time to think. When his mind got too much to handle he would go to bars and clubs searching for numbness and for some warmth, he would let people use him just for a few moments of feeling needed, wanted, feeling that he mattered, but it always left him with emptiness.  
It was October when he met Sam. Sam was very nice and handsome, he didn’t just use and leave Harry, like everyone else did. To his surprise, Sam stuck around and asked for his number, they went out a few times, Harry started to feel happier again, he wasn’t crying all the time, he had something to live for again, someone cared about him. Sam was older and he would buy harry stuff, he would take him to nice places, kiss him gently and hold him.  
The thing was harry had never had sex, sure he did stuff, but he never went all the way. He was anxious that soon Sam would want it, and he didn’t feel like he was ready, but Sam was his boyfriend, so he had to do it. He was avoiding the subject as best as he could. But Sam would get frustrated with him and even yell at him sometimes. He would get jealous and controlling, he accused harry of being with someone else, and thought that was the reason he didn’t want to have sex with him.  
Then he started to hit him. It was little slaps at first, not a big deal, Harry thought, but one day, a week after his birthday, it got too much.  
They were on the date earlier, later they went to Sam’s pace for drinks and movie. They were sitting on the sofa, when Sam suddenly put down his drink, leaned in and started kissing him, harry smiled in the kiss, it was nice at first, harry liked kissing Sam, he felt loved and happy, then Sam took off his shirt and told Harry to do the same, Harry did, Sam got him on his lap, grinding their cocks together, sucking a bruise on his collarbone.  
“I’m going to fuck you so hard babe” said Sam, making Harry freeze. He pulled away and looked at Sam hesitantly.  
“not tonight Sam, I’m not ready for it yet, I told you...” Said Harry, his voice barely above whisper.  
“Oh come on babe, we’ve been together for months, it’s time.” Sam said irritated, his warning tone made Harry flinch.  
“I said no Sam.” Said Harry loudly, a few drinks he had making him brave suddenly, he got up from his lap, moving away from him. Sam looked furious, he got up, getting close to Harry.  
“you just want me to buy you stuff, take care of you, give you gifts, listen to your stupid babbling all day, but you don’t care what I want.” He said irritated. He looked at harry, who stood there, unfazed, rolling his eyes at him. he was used to Sam saying stuff like this by now. “oh, I know, you’re fucking someone else, aren’t you?” Sam laughed sarcastically. “I really wouldn’t be surprised, considering how we met.” He said getting closer to Harry, putting his hands on his shoulders. Harry flinched away disgusted by his words. He was so tired and irritated.

“Sam you’re drunk” he said, moving towards the door.  
“oh, no, no, you’re not going anywhere till I’m done talking.” He grabbed Harry’s arm, who pushed him away, Sam stumbled and almost fell, when he regained his balance he looked furious, he punched Harry in the stomach, Harry fell down and gasped in pain, Sam kept hitting and hitting Harry, he tried to get up and get away from him but he was a little drunk and Sam was bigger than him. He was crying from physical and emotional pain and when he realized he couldn’t get away he just covered his head with his arms to protect himself.  
Suddenly Sam stopped. Harry looked up and saw tears in his eyes, he was frozen, looking at Harry with wide eyes.  
“oh my god, what have I done” he whispered more to himself than Harry. “I’m so sorry babe, oh my god, Harry please say something” all that came out of Harry’s lips was a loud sob, Sam kneeled next to him, holding him in his arms gently, hysterically mumbling apologies.  
Harry’s whole body was bruised and aching, there was some blood on the floor. Sam kept apologizing and held him, Harry hugged him back on instinct and cried. It wasn’t Sam’s fault he thought, maybe it was his fault, Sam was stressed at work as it was, he was adding to it and being stupid. He deserved it, and now Sam was upset. He was a real piece of shit, he thought to himself. 

Suddenly he felt like he was looking at himself from the outside, the feeling of disgust overwhelmed him. It couldn’t be right. He was feeling cold inside, empty, it wasn’t fair, suddenly he didn’t want to be here near the man who hurt him, who was now trying to comfort him, as if to say, it was okay. He got up giving Sam a smile that didn’t reach his eyes, making up an excuse and leaving as fast as he could.  
He was walking down the familiar road but it didn’t feel comforting, it felt foreign, like it was the first time he was seeing it clearly, maybe it was. He started to shake, he was furious now, he was so angry, he wanted to go back and punch him back, he felt so small, humiliated and stupid. He was confused, he felt like he could kill right now, but he felt like a little kid also. He felt like he was lied to, like he was scammed, it was supposed to be good, Sam and him, he was supposed to love Harry, save him, make him be better. He was supposed to, at the very least, care for him enough not to hurt him this badly.  
He sat on the sidewalk, putting his head in his hands, he was alone now, again, completely alone so he let go. He set down on the pavement sobbing, no one would hear anyway, it was middle of the night. The worst part was that Sam wasn’t just made of fists, Harry remembered all the private smiles he gave him, all the playful looks, cuddles and movies, all the time he made him feel important, special, listened to him when he needed it. He remembers Sam’s strong arms holding him when he was upset and needed something to hold on to. He remembered all the little things that made their relationship special, theirs.  
So he sat there, on the ground, in pain, he cried and cried and cried. Then he stopped, wiped his tears. Got his clothes sorted and kept going, like he always had. He felt numb, nobody was coming to save him, he couldn’t just allow himself to break, he had to stay alive.

***

The next day he didn’t have any visible bruises that he couldn't cover up with clothes, so no one would know what happened, it was just another regular day, the world didn’t break with him, like he thought it might. 

He felt sore and had trouble moving, every step felt like reliving it over and over again, he felt so powerless and meaningless. He was at work, having a smoke break outside of the cafe when he saw him.

There was a guy approaching, he had blue eyes and wide smile spread all over his face, he wasn't just a regular boy, harry thought, there was something about the way he moved his hands while talking, the way he walked like the world was at his feet but he didn't even try, the way he laughed like it was the easiest thing in the world, and maybe it was. How could someone be so carefree, Harry thought. He was just radiating happiness, almost making Harry want to smile.  
He was with a blond guy that he had seen before at the cafe a couple of times, they were talking and laughing about something. Suddenly he stopped talking in the middle of the sentence and looked at Harry, he smiled at him, Harry smiled back awkwardly, embarrassed that he got caught staring. 

The guy said something to his friend, who nodded and went inside the café, while the guy approached Harry. He felt panic rise from the pit of his stomach all of a sudden, looking around to find reason to escape.  
“hey there” the guy said. His voice was high and his tone was soft.  
“hi” harry said his voice braking, way to embarrass yourself more Harry, he thought.  
“sorry, can I have a cigarette? I forgot mine at home” oh, so he was after a cigarette, not Harry.  
“sure” he said handing him one.  
“I’m louis, by the way” he said, question in his eyes.  
“I’m Harry”  
“you work here Harry?” he said looking at his uniform, playful smile still on his face.  
“yeah, I’m just having a small break” he said awkwardly. Louis was so handsome and he obviously had a vibrant personality, it was simultaneously intimidating and inviting. He was like the sun, harry thought, and he wouldn’t mind burning if it meant he could be close to him.  
“my friend was telling me about this café for months, and finally I agreed to come, I think I’m gonna be a regular, I quite like it here.” He said looking right into Harry’s eyes. He felt weakness in his knees, not daring to break the eye contact.  
“you haven’t even seen what’s inside yet.” was the only thing he thought of saying. Immediately he mentally slapped himself. Louis looked confused for a second and then he laughed loudly, throwing his head back. It might be the best sound Harry has ever heard. He never wanted to stop hearing it.  
“you really are something Harry.” He said. Throwing away what was left of the cigarette. “see you around” he said and went inside before Harry could manage to think of something to say. He shook his head. He was absolutely infatuated by Louis. There was some kind of spark between them, it felt like he had known him for his entire life.  
That night was the first night in what felt like forever, when he fell asleep with a smile on his face and a blue eyed boy on his mind.


	2. Chapter 2

Harry was standing behind the counter, politely smiling at the costumer he just said goodbye to. He glanced up at the clock, it showed 5:53, he sighed in frustration, wondering why the hell did he start this job to begin with, it was boring and he always felt awkward.

He’s been working in this cafe for a while now, he thought maybe it would help him get more social, but it felt like he hasn’t even said more than 50 words to other coworkers since he got here, never mind making a friend. 

He thought maybe if he wasn’t frowning all the time, if he talked more, if he was more approachable, he would have more friends, any friends. The thing was, people mostly thought he was uptight, even in school, even people who knew him from childhood. Nobody really cared enough to dig deeper or notice anything and it was alright, really, everyone has their shit to deal with.

Harry had a sinking feeling in his chest, he was trembling, counting last minutes was always getting on his nerves, he was waiting for his shift to finally be over. he looked around, there were 13 people in the room, laughing and talking so loudly that his head was hurting. He felt anxious, these people didn’t feel real, even he didn’t feel real, it was like he was looking at everything from the outside. He looked down, concentrating on the bottle of water he had in his hand, trying to control his breathing.

“Hey stranger.” Boy’s cheery voice snapped him out of his head. He looked up startled to be met with pair of blue eyes “I didn’t mean to interrupt your staring contest with water bottle but it seems to me that it’s winning” he added with a soft smile on his face.

“sorry” harry shook his head to clear his thoughts “what can I get you?” harry said, trying not to let the feeling of familiarity he felt with Louis affect his professionalism. he had only seen him once before, after all.

“I’ll have a big latte to go, no sugar, and a muffin, the chocolate one.” He said after looking at a menu on the wall for a few seconds. 

“that will be 7.45” Louis handed him money. Harry turned around to make latte. It was already 7 minutes after his shift was supposed to be over and latte was almost done when the door opened to reveal a girl with red cheeks, she was out of breath.

“oh my god Harry, I’m so sorry I’m late, my class got delayed.”

“No worries Hanna, it’s just a few minutes” he said awkwardly. Handing Louis his order he walked on the other side of the counter to let Hanna take over. “have a nice shift.” He said. Walking out of the café. 

He was exhausted, he lit up a cigarette and started to walk towards home.

“hey Harry, wait up” he heard a few seconds later. He looked back to see Louis catching up with him. “seems like we’re walking in the same direction, do you live nearby?”

“yeah, it’s 20 minutes of walk, really relaxing after five hours of standing.” Harry said, he was a little tense, talking to people was always hard for him.

“yeah I can imagine.” Said Louis, sipping his latte “how old are you by the way?”

“just turned 17, you?” 

“I’m nineteen, I’m here because of university, my hometown is like, five hours of drive away, I just wanted to leave it, you know?! Move to the bigger one, get more independent.” he said, sounding not too excited.

“how’s that working out for you?” 

“horribly” Louis chuckled. “my cooking is shit, my flat is shoe box size, I don’t have a stable job... at least I was blessed with a scholarship and a roommate that I don’t see much, so there’s that.”

“you make independent life sound so exciting…” 

“yeah well, it is in some ways, I just miss my family a lot.”

“do you have any siblings?” harry asked.

“yeah a lot of them, all younger and louder than me.” he said smiling at the memories.

“I can only imagine” harry laughed fondly.

“why? are you only child?”

“yeah, it sucks.” Louis didn't know what to say to that.

“do your parents know that you smoke at the young age of 17, Harold?” he said with a fake judgmental tone. “if my mom knew I smoke she would kill me” he laughed.

“lucky you” Harry said bitterly, sadness filling his chest “my mom doesn’t really care.”

“why not?” Harry looked down, not knowing how to avoid question without being rude. 

“so you’re probably on the last year of school, are you excited?” Louis asked teasingly. Harry was grateful for the change of subject.

“yeah, I don’t really like school” Harry said.

“yeah I can relate on that one, high school people can be really shitty.” Harry was surprised to hear that from a person like Louis, he couldn’t imagine him having a hard time to communicate with anyone.

“is university any better?”

“yeah actually, I met a lot of new people, a few of them are really cool, I made quite good amount of friends, I think.”

“so there’s still hope, I guess” Harry said, stopping “well I have to turn here”

“oh, I’m going that way” said Louis, pointing forward.

“it was really nice walking with you” Harry smiled.

“it was good seeing you again, Harry, till the next time.” Louis smiled back and continued walking.

***

After that day Louis was regularly visiting café, he usually came in before Harry’s shift ended, they would walk together and talk about nothing and everything. Louis liked to talk a lot and Harry liked to listen, he found out soon enough that Louis loved tea and reading, was really passionate about football and music, he was very calm and a happy person, He also had a lot of friends, sometimes it made harry feel insecure because Louis was his only friend, not that he would ever admit that.

Louis always gave Harry time to tell about himself and made sure to let him know that he was interested in what he had to say, but never asked him anything personal after he dodged a question or two, and Harry was truly grateful for that. Harry always tried not to give away too much about himself, he was worried that Louis would think he’s too fucked up to be around.

One day they were having tea on Harry’s lunch break.

“I feel like we talk and talk and talk and somehow, you know everything about me, and I know nothing about you” Louis once told him jokingly, but there was a serious undertone to it.

“my life is pretty boring, there isn’t much to tell, really.” Harry said a little uncomfortable from being the object of Louis’ attention.

“I bet you’re secretly a spy or a Spiderman, living your life undercover, just laughing at us mere folks deep inside.” Said Louis with a spooky voice. Harry stared at him with a cold, empty stare and with his voice low, he slowly said:

“and now that you guessed it, I may have to kill you.” Louis dramatically gasped and they both laughed. That’s when they heard Martha, Harry’s boss say:

“Harry, I hate to be “that guy” and I’m glad to see you laugh and spend some quality time with your boyfriend, sunshine, but your lunch break was over ten minutes ago.” 

“sorry” they both said, subtly ignoring the “boyfriend” part. They just looked at each other, trying not to laugh.

***

Harry loved taking to Louis, he was always nice to him, making him laugh and smile all the time. He saw him almost every day and couldn’t even remember what life was like before Louis was around. One Saturday he had a morning shift, it was three weeks after he met Louis, they were smoking outside, Louis was telling him about one of his professors that annoyed him, the way Louis was describing him was hilarious and harry was laughing loudly, encouraging him to go more into details about the professor’s goat beard. 

In between the laughs Harry glanced away for a second and saw a familiar figure approach. It was Sam. Harry’s face fell instantly, he started to tremble a little, feeling anxiety level rising, he’s been avoiding Sam as best as he could for the past weeks, not seeing him after “the incident”, only giving him short answers to his texts, he knew he had to deal with him sooner or later but he didn’t want to think about him at all.

Louis noticed his sudden mood change and looked in the direction that Harry was looking, he narrowed his eyes, observing Sam.  
He looked back at harry in confusion but harry didn’t have time to explain before Sam reached them.

“hey babe” he said kissing Harry’s lips, glaring at Louis who was now smoking his cigarette half a meter away, to give them space.

“what are you doing here Sam” Harry asked annoyed. 

“can’t I visit my boyfriend at work? I haven’t seen you in a while, how are you doing?” he reached to put his arm on his shoulders, Harry flinched and pulled away. “I see how it is…” he said and harry could tell he was getting irritated. He saw Louis with his peripheral vision, he was frowning and tense. He had never seen him like that. He still hasn’t said anything.

“let’s meet up later babe, I can wait till you’re done with work. Your shift ends in an hour, right?”

“I have to study for the test.” He lied. Sam was getting frustrated, he could tell by the way he rolled his eyes, but he was too scared to be alone with him, it was too soon.

“okay, next week then?” he was getting impatient now.

“okay” he said with his voice small. He had time to think of something till the next week.

“okay I’ll call you” Sam said, satisfied. He kissed Harry, Harry didn’t kiss back, he just let Sam kiss him, shutting his eyes, holding himself, their bodies weren’t even touching. Then Sam left as fast as he came. After he drove away Harry let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. He shook his head and held himself tighter.

“hey, you okay?” said Louis, gently stroking his arm. Harry forgot Louis was there, he felt panicked that after what he just saw he would never want to speak to him again, but he was still there.

“I’m fine it was nothing” he said his eyes starting to water, he’s words coming out in a sob, besides the obvious, he felt very embarrassed that Louis saw it. 

“hey, it’s okay” said Louis wrapping his arms around him. “you’re fine” he added. He was stroking his back slowly, and Harry felt okay, being held by him. He relaxed his body and let Louis hold him for a few minutes. Then he pulled back, not looking Louis in the eyes.

“thank you, I really needed this” he almost whispered.

“anytime curly” he said and smiled at him. “so are you really busy after work or was that just an excuse?”

“excuse” harry said blushing. “why”

“don’t know, thought maybe you’d wanna hang out?”

“sure, um, what do you wanna do?” said Harry wiping his tears. 

“there’s this lake nearby, do you know it? We could go there.” Harry smiled.

“my mom would take me there when I was little, I love that place, but I haven’t been there in years. I’d love to go back.” Harry said, suddenly feeling very excited.

“perfect.” Louis smiled.

Two hours later they were lying on the beach, under a tree, sun was shining and harry could feel the warmth of it on his face. It was quiet, not many people were nearby.

“so you mentioned your mom earlier? Is it just you and her?” Louis started, testing the waters.

“pretty much, I never knew my father, and my stepdad left us years ago, as you know I don’t have any siblings, but to be honest it feels like it’s just me most of the time, she’s working a lot and we grew apart because of her…” Harry stopped himself before he could say anything more. It was so easy to open up to Louis, he made him feel safe and understood.

“it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me anything.” Said Louis squeezing his hand reassuringly. “what about your… boyfriend, Sam, was it? how old is he anyways?”

“25. yeah, It’s a long complicated story, you wouldn’t wanna hear it.”

“try me.”

So he told him everything excluding beating, he was too scared to even talk about it, he also left out how they met, not wanting Louis to think he was a slut or something. He felt relieved opening up to Louis, he was the least judgmental person harry had ever met.

“tell me to shut up if I’m overstepping, but he didn’t seem very nice to you…” he said obviously trying to hide how concerned he was by the fact.

“he’s stressed at work, it’s my fault really, I tend to piss him off. I….” he was making up excuses even he didn’t believe in anymore, but reality seemed much more humiliating.

“has he ever…” Louis got a serious look on his face, he got tense even thinking about it.

“it’s not like that, Louis, he loves me.” Harry said interrupting him, he couldn’t hear it, he wasn’t ready.

“that’s not a No.” said Louis quietly, it sounded threatening. he clenched his fists and closed his eyes for a second to concentrate on calming down.  
Harry didn’t say anything. Neither did Louis, now he was just looking at Harry with worry.

“sometimes I want to leave him” Harry said not looking at him. “but I’m scared.”

“scared of him?” Harry nodded. Looking down on his hands.

“but more scared of being alone. And yes I am aware how pathetic it sounds.”

“sometimes it’s better to be alone than being with someone who abuses you.” Harry flinched at the word and stared at Louis with wide eyes.

“you wouldn’t understand.”

“I understand harry, I know it’s hard, I know it’s scary, but you’re the only one that can help you. Others may try, but you’re the one who has to make a decision. I think you already made one, you’re just too scared to act on it, it’s okay, I’ll be here with you, whatever you need.” Louis took Harry’s hand and held it. Harry looked up at him. “just think about it, okay? You deserve better.”

“why? Why do I deserve better? I’m just annoying kid who can’t get anything right. What if no one else ever loves me?” Harry said looking down.

“who told you that harry? You are amazing, you’re funny, kind, you listen to every stupid story I tell you, you’re also smart and beautiful, you’re interesting, I never get bored with you, and even though this is the first time you have really told me anything about you, you can hold a conversation and talk about anything. Anyone would be lucky to love you and have you in their life.” Louis said slowly stroking his cheek, not breaking eye contact. Harry was starting to blush and Louis laughed at it fondly, cuddling Harry to his chest, playing with his curls. “plus, you’re adorable.”

***

If Louis wasn’t on Harry’s mind enough already, after the day on the beach he was the only thing he could think about, he didn’t understand why he was being so nice to him, asking nothing in return. He somehow reminded him of Luna, in the way he was open, kind and stood firmly on the ground, his heart ached at what he did to her, guilt bringing tears to his eyes.

He thought a lot about what Louis had told him about Sam, he was right, Harry didn’t want anything to do with him even before he met Louis, not after that night, it would just never be the same again, you can’t just erase something that painful, he was just too scared to properly end it. He was making the agony longer, procrastinating inevitable. It was already over, he just had to make it official. He called Louis.

“hey”

“hey Haz, what’s up” Harry smiled at the nickname.

“I’ve been thinking a lot about Sam”

“oh?”

“I think I’m gonna break up with him today.” 

“that’s very brave of you” Louis said after a few seconds of pause “but be safe okay? Meet him somewhere public, please, and let me know how it goes.”

“yeah of course. I’m meeting him in half an hour, I’m very anxious.”

“it’s okay Haz, text me after and we could hang out, sounds okay?”

“sounds perfect. Gotta go now, I’ll text you right after.”

“alright, stay safe. X”

***

Harry took a deep breath and went to the bar where he was supposed to meet Sam. He was early so he sat at the table, trying not to let panic take over. Sam was late, of course he was. Harry ordered a beer, then another, five minutes after he felt like he had enough of liquid courage Sam finally showed up.

“hey babe” he said, giving Harry a quick kiss on lips. He sat down across from him.

“hey Sam, we need to talk.” He sounded confident, like he had practiced, but he was so close to losing his shit.

“Harry? What is it?” Sam asked his tone warning.

“I think we need to break up.”

“what? What are you talking about babe?”

“I don’t think we have a healthy relationship.”

“what do you mean.”

“you beat me.”

“it was once Harry, and I apologized, don’t be dramatic.”

“dramatic?” Harry raised his eyebrows in shock. Now he was the one getting angry, it felt foreign. He wasn’t scared anymore. “I couldn’t move without being in pain for two weeks, what is wrong with you?! And you think you say sorry once and it’s enough? you think sorry can make things disappear? Everything good that we ever had you killed with every punch. You did this, you destroyed us.”

“it’s that guy, isn’t it? From the café? He put this stupid idea in your head, you are sleeping with him, aren’t you?”

“I can’t believe you! He has nothing to do with this, I was done with you before I even met him” he said angrily. suddenly it hit him, there was no point in being angry, Sam was just trying to change the subject and make him feel guilty. He wanted to keep arguing, and harry wasn’t gonna change his mind. He had nothing to prove to Sam, he could think whatever he wanted. He saw Sam from a different point of view and he was… pathetic. 

Suddenly he felt tired. 

“look Sam, I’m tired of this, I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. I’m done. Please, if you ever loved me or even cared about me a little, just for the sake of that, leave me alone and never contact me.” He got up, not waiting for the answer. Sam didn’t get up, didn’t follow him, didn’t call after him, he just sat at the table, with his mouth open and his thoughts messy.

Harry walked out of the door and after he was away from the bar he called Louis.

“can you come over at my place, I’ll text you the address”

“yeah sure, are you okay?”

“I’m great” he said and for the first time in a long time he meant it.

Louis had a car, so when harry finally reached home Louis was already there, waiting. He gave him a long hug. Then they went inside.

“do you want a beer?” Harry said, opening the fridge.

“sure” Louis said “so what happened?” Harry didn’t answer, he walked up in his room offering Louis to sit, he did, expecting Harry to start talking.

“So?”

“it was so good” Harry said surprised by his excitement “so satisfying! for the first time I was looking at him and I wasn’t scared, I just realized that he’s a pathetic person trying to manipulate me, it’s like I saw him for the first time. I see so much now, I was so stupid, letting him manipulate me. I see now, I see how inadequate my thoughts were.” Harry was pacing around the room, lost inside his head, excited and overwhelmed by everything he had realized, he couldn’t believe himself, seeing Sam today was so eye opening. It felt like he had known all of it for a long time but never pieced it together. Louis was still sitting on the bed, looking at him suspiciously.

“are you drunk?” 

“slightly buzzed, it’s mostly adrenaline I think…” 

“I’m so happy that you’re starting to love yourself Harry, because I don’t know anyone who deserves it more.” Louis said sincerely. Harry suddenly felt sad, if only Louis knew… he thought.

Louis got up and put his hands on Harry’s arms to stop him in one place. “you’re too overwhelmed, you need to calm down.” He said softly. Harry nodded and set down.

“I’m not as good as you think Lou… I’ve done horrible things I…” Harry got upset just by thinking about it, he looked down. It was unfair for Louis to think he was some kind of fucking saint.

“we’ve all done things we’re not proud of Haz… it’s okay.” Louis tried to dismiss it.

“you would hate me if you knew… you would, I know it…” harry was nervously moving his hands, not looking up.

“what is it harry? You’re scaring me.” Louis looked concerned now.

“maybe I deserve everything that Sam did, maybe I deserve worse.” He was crying now. His doubts crawling back into his head, making him anxious. He was so overwhelmed by everything. Louis got up and set him on the bed, trying to calm him down.

“Harry I can’t think of anything that would make me hate you, please calm down, whatever you did, however bad it was, you regret it now, so that means you’re a good person who did something bad, it’s okay, I’m sure it’s not that bad. You can tell me if you want”

“I don’t know how to tell you…”

“you don’t have to” Louis said concerned, he set next to harry, holding him close, wrapping his arms around the younger boy, who let out a sob of a relief at the contact. “it’s alright, you’re tired, you just need to rest.”

"i'm sorry I'm such a fucking mess"

"nonsense! we all have these moments." after a while Harry's breathing got more even.

“Lou?” Harry said hesitantly, his head still on Louis chest.

“hm?”

“will you stay with me tonight?” harry said, stopping breathing in anticipation.

“yeah” Louis said slowly. “I’ll stay with you.”


	3. Chapter 3

Louis was awoken by a small shift beneath him, he felt soft curls on his face, first thought in his mind was that Harry smelled nice, Louis instinctively inhaled his scent.

He opened his eyes slowly, letting his brain take in the outside. He was laying half on top of Harry, with his arm around his back, Louis smiled, getting a warm feeling at the sight.

"Hey" he said slowly rubbing his arm. "You awake?"

"Yeah, I've been awake for a while" said Harry turning around to face Louis. "Just didn't wanna wake you."

Louis smiled, brushing Harry's hair off his face and playing with his curls.

"Oh my God are you always this adorable in the mornings? like a puppy." He said lovingly. Harry laughed, blushing.

"I'm not like a puppy!" He protested.

"You are and you know it, you're the most adorable thing I've ever seen, oh my God, so cute." He squeezed Harry's cheek softly.

"Okay, okay, that's enough, I'm starting to feel like a baby, or a panda." Said Harry laughing. "I'm gonna go shower and we can have a breakfast, you can shower too, if you want."

"With you?" Louis said wiggling his eyebrows.

"Ha ha, very funny." Said Harry getting up.

When Louis got out of the shower he smelled something delicious downstairs, so he just followed the smell to the kitchen.

"It'll be done in thirty seconds." Harry said.

"Oh my God, you cook!"

"You have no idea!" Harry said, putting breakfast on the plates and placing it on the table.

"Where's your mom?" He asked while they were eating.

"She had a night shift, she usually doesn't get home till 1pm."

Louis glanced at the clock, it was barely 11 am. It's not that he didn't want to meet his mom, he just didn't know how to feel about it.

"So how does it feel to be officially single?" Louis teased.

"Truly liberating! I feel like a new person." Harry said jokingly. "No but really, it's great to be out of that nightmare relationship, never again am I gonna be stupid enough to get into one." Louis felt oddly upset when Harry said that, started to bite the inside of his cheek, it was a nervous habit he had from childhood.

"It's not always that bad, you just gotta find the right person." He said, looking down at his plate, moving food around with his fork.

"No thanks!" Harry chuckled sarcastically. He didn't really mean it of course, he just felt like a weight was lifted once he broke up with Sam.

They ate and Louis got up to help put the dishes in the sink.

"I gotta go now, I have class in two hours."

"Oh, okay." Said Harry.

"Wanna hang out later? there's this new bar near my place I haven't been to, wanted to check it out for a while now." He said, gathering his things.

"Sure, just text me the details."

"Okay bye" said Louis giving Harry a side hug.

"Bye" said Harry.

***

Harry was standing in front of the bar, looking down at his phone.

'Where are you? I'm here.' Was the last text he sent Louis two minutes ago and he was waiting for the answer.

"Hey, have you been waiting for long?" he heard Louis say from behind. He turned around to see him. There was a guy standing next to him with short black hair and a lot of piercings.

"Hey, no, not really" he said awkwardly looking at the stranger.

"Oh, sorry, this is Joe, my friend from uni, Joe this is Harry."

"Nice to meet you" said Joe shaking Harry's hand.

"Nice to meet you too" Harry answered.

"Okay we should go in" said Louis, walking towards the bar.

The bar was under ground, it was nice and surprisingly big, with a lot of people inside. There were too many tables, that made walking freely hard, but it was cozy and decorated with a taste.

"What are you drinking?" Said Joe once they sat down on one of two free tables.

"I'm gonna have rum, with ice and lemon, make it double" said Louis.

"Wow, you know your alcohol... I have no idea... Um" said Harry "I think I'm just gonna have vodka?"

"Oh come on! Live a little." Said Louis.

"Okay, I'm gonna have what he's having, then." said Harry. Louis smiled at him proudly.

Joe came back with the drinks a few minutes later.

"I really like this place" said Louis sipping his rum "the best thing about it is how close it is to my flat."

"Wow this tastes really good!" Said Harry.

"You've never had rum before?" Asked Joe. Harry shook his head.

"What do you drink then?"

"Vodka or beer, wine sometimes."

"Keeping it classic... I'm so going to corrupt you." Said Louis, looking into Harry's eyes, making him look away and blush.

"I was once an innocent child like you, then I met Louis." Said Joe with a dreamy tone.

"Not true, he was already a devil when I met him." They laughed.

They continued drinking and talking, they were already quite drunk. A few hours passed and it was well past midnight, Joe had just left when Harry's phone buzzed.

"Excuse me" said Harry getting up and heading to the bathroom. It was more quiet there than outside. 

"Hello" he answered.

"Where are you?" 

"I'm out with friends, mom, what is it?"

"I just haven't seen you for two days, I was worried, when are you gonna be home?"

"I don't know, mom, just go to sleep."

"Harry! Watch your tone."

"Oh my God, what's the sudden interest all about? I'm out, I don't know when I'll be back, okay?! I gotta go now." He hang up his phone.

He always felt shitty after talking to his mom, especially like that, but it felt uncontrollable sometimes, she just brought out some kind of rage in him.

He splashed cold water on his face, took a deep breath and went out of the bathroom. He was very drunk and had trouble concentrating on walking properly.

He returned to the table and sat down.

"Hey, you okay? Who was it?"

"My mom, suddenly remembering I exist."

"You don't wanna go home yet, do you?"

"Nah, I'm good, you?"

"Me too." Louis said smiling. "I'm hungry thought, wanna go find some place with a real food instead of snacks they serve here?"

"That sounds great actually, I'm really hungry."

"Just let me go to the bathroom."

"Sure, I'll wait by the door." Louis nodded and went into the bathroom.

Harry stood near the bathroom entrance, looking around, when he noticed someone looking at him, he looked back and his breath instantly hitched. It was Ethan, he was there, surrounded by his friends, laughing and having fun. 

Harry couldn't breathe, he felt dizzy and lightheaded, his palms started to sweat. Suddenly nothing around him felt real, he felt like he was outside of his body, too well aware of every little thing happening around him, bartender with blue hair and white top was apologizing to the guy she ran into, the boy at the table on his left side was laughing at a joke his friend just made, while girl on his right was passionately arguing about something, being too gesticulative. A poster of Amelie that hang on the bathroom door was ripped in the corner a little bit, there were finger prints on the mirror on the door.

Ethan, who was sitting on the other side of the room, gave him a smug smile and a wave. It felt like he was making fun of him, reminding him how pathetic he was, how worthless, a joke, a stupid fucking joke.

It felt like air had left his lungs, like he breathed in acid every time, burning his insides, everything was getting blurry, he was close to vomiting, or passing out.

he needed to get out, now. He didn't realize how but in a few seconds he was out the door walking up the stairs to get out on the street.

The street lights suddenly felt too bright, he wanted to drown in darkness, forgetting everything, the noise in his ears was getting louder and louder. He felt hand on his shoulder, the noise stopped instantly, he pulled away as fast as he could, looking behind him.

It was Louis and he looked worried, he was saying something, but Harry couldn't hear, it's like he was underwater. He couldn't speak, as much as he wanted to he couldn't. He tried to concentrate on Louis'words.

"Hey, hey, look at me" Louis was holding his shoulders looking in his eyes, very concentrated. "Harry it's alright, I'm here, I got you, nothing's gonna hurt you I promise, take a deep breath, count or something, what helps usually? Harry can you speak to me, love?"

Harry felt hot tears on his cheeks, they weren't stopping, it burnt his face. A deep breath, concentrate, breath in, breath out, in, out, in, out.

Harry stopped shaking, his breath was getting more even, his eyes weren't blurry anymore, he could see Louis face, his long eyelashes, concerned look on his face. His body felt numb.

Harry moved forward, stumbling, louis' strong hands were there to catch him, he hugged him tightly, stroking his hair, whispering in his ear.

"Take your time, H, it's alright, just try to calm down, can you do that for me love? Just try to get out of it, can you tell me what happened? Was it the confined space, or people? Is it about the call? You know what? Let's forget about that, do you want to come over? You wanna see my shitty flat?" Harry nodded slowly "it's just around the corner, love, let's go, can you walk babe?" Harry pulled away from the hug and wiped tears from his cheeks, there was no point, there were new ones in a second.

"Here, give me your hand." Louis took Harry's hand and started to walk, he tried to talk and joke to take Harry's mind away from this state, it helped a little, he even made Harry laugh once.

Louis' flat was small, as he had said, there were too many things to fit in space this small, but it was more than enough, it was cozy and smelled nice.

"It's the candles" Louis said once he saw Harry inhale the smell deeply "my sister bought them."

"Smells so good." Was the first thing Harry said since he left the bar.

"Do you want some water?" Harry nodded. 

"Sorry for the mess by the way."

"Sorry for the... Scene" Harry said sitting on the sofa.

"What? Don't be an idiot, I was just worried." Louis said handing him a glass of water. "Do you... Wanna talk about it?" 

"I don't know... I... Don't know where to start."

"Do you get panic attacks often?"

"Yeah... no... It's complicated"

"I know I'm pretty familiar with them, did anything trigger you?" Harry made a pouse.

"Yeah" he said quietly.

"What was it?" Louis had Harry's hand in his to comfort him and make him feel safe.

"It wasn't 'what' um... It was 'who'"

"Go on, who was it?"

"Someone I used to know, didn't really know, we've just met once."

His chest felt tight and his eyes were tearing up.

"I can't... Please... I don't want to talk about it" Harry said, tears rolling down on his cheeks. A sob escaped his mouth.

"Shh. It's okay, I'm sorry, don't tell me if you don't want to, let's watch a movie, whatever you want, sounds good?"

"Yes" Harry choked out.

"Okay, wanna do it here on TV or in my room on the laptop?"

"Your room."

"Yeah that's better, maybe you'll fall asleep."

"I'm sorry, this is so embarrassing..."

"Hey! Shut up, I've been there, it's okay, I just want to help you feel better."

"You already have, thanks." Harry said wiping dry tears away.

They went to the bedroom, Louis lent Harry some clothes to sleep in, they laid down and turned on a movie of Harry's choice, which was notebook, because of course it was, Louis thought fondly. 

Harry fell asleep in Louis arms second night in a row, Louis looked at the boy in his arms, he closed the laptop and put it on the floor, making both of them more comfortable. 

Louis wanted to protect Harry from everything, he know he couldn't but he would try his best, he decided, he was too precious, too soft and fragile.

Louis pulled away curls from the younger boys forehead and kissed it slowly, wrapping his arms tighter around him.


	4. Chapter 4

Five days. 

Five days since the last time Harry saw Louis. 

Five days since Harry woke up next to Louis, second time in a row, but this time he left him silently, sneaking out without even putting the shoes on, just sending him a short text that he had to go, after he had purposefully missed a few of Louis’ calls.

Louis texted him a few times and tried to call after that, but there was no answer, to say that Harry was avoiding him would be an understatement.

It was a boring Wednesday evening, or it would have been, if this pinching, torturous feeling would just go away from Harry’s chest, along with the voice screaming at him that Louis will be better off without him, as would everybody else.

First time in his life he didn’t want his shift to end. It wasn’t like he had finally found the passion for pushing buttons for coffee and getting muffins out of the shelves or anything, he just didn’t want to be alone right now.

The white noise of the outside world being out there was somewhat comforting today, he could even pretend to try to look more alive.

He made a right choice. He was almost fifty percent sure of it. If he continued getting closer to Louis, there was only two ways it could go, one, he would find out about certain things, would be disgusted by him and never want to look at him again, or two, he would somehow understand and be pulled into the mess that Harry tries to pretend is life.

So the best solution was to just pretend he never existed and it was a pure torture. But it wasn’t that simple, no matter how much Harry hated to admit, or how weak it made him feel, the fact was that Louis was the only light harry had in his life, and he was convinced, given enough time he would destroy his light, like he did with everything else. So it was better that he stayed away.

It didn’t matter that every fiber of his body was longing for him to run to Louis. He just couldn’t destroy him, he was just so good, so perfect, so kind. He couldn’t live with himself if he harmed him.

By the irony of the fate, or the change of perception, the shift had ended much sooner than he hoped for, the time flew while he tried to occupy his head with the routine.  
The shitty thing was, even his mom wouldn’t be home to distract him, to argue or just ignore, just to know another living, breathing organism is existing under the same roof as him, but no such luck tonight.

As he was walking towards his house the growing urge to hurt himself was getting more intense and the voices in his head were getting louder and louder, making every second of his living a pure torture to bear with his tired, sleepless body. He tried to ignore it, it’ll go eventually, it always does. 

He walked down the street, wondering what it would feel like if he just jumped in front of a car, just like he had wondered so many times what would it be like if he just slit his throat with the first knife he could reach, or jump out of the bridge, or a building, or to take too many painkillers. It probably wouldn’t kill him, there was a speed limit here, also it would harm the driver and he wasn’t evil.

Sometimes he would gamble on his life. He would cross the road without looking around, or take a little bit more painkillers than necessary, lean from the tall building a little, giving life a chance to make it easy for him, letting accidents happen. As frustrating as it was, nothing ever happened to him.

As he turned in the corner he saw a small, familiar figure pacing back and forth in his front yard. He considered running back, but there was no point since the figure was now burning holes in his face with his eyes, looking tired but angry, he stopped, waiting for Harry to approach.  
So he hesitantly continued walking.

"oh, this better be good" Louis spat out, glaring at him, as soon as Harry was within a hearing distance. 

Harry looked around, pointlessly searching for a way to escape.

"Well?" Louis said running out of patience, raising his eyebrows. 

"What do you want me to say?" Harry said with his voice barely hearable.

"What?... I want you to say why you just randomly ghosted me." Louis said, extending his hands in frustration. 

"But it wasn't random was it?" He continued, looking puzzled after observing Harry's face who still refused to answer. 

"I'm sorry." Harry finally choked out, looking down, attempting to hide the tears forming in his eyes. 

"I don't need a fucking apology Harry." He said angrily, making Harry flinch. 

"Fuck" Louis said, rubbing the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell" he said getting closer to him, gently resting his hands on Harry's arms. "I just don't understand, please, talk to me, H”

Still nothing.

“please look at me Harry” louis tried to make him look up, his eyes have been glued to the ground throughout the whole conversation, or monologue, to be more precise.  
“say something.” Louis sighed as harry just stood there, frozen, silent tears rolling down his cheeks, his lips quivering, as if he was about to say something but couldn’t. “please” Louis breathed out, not really hoping it to work. 

To his surprise Harry slowly looked up to meet his eyes. Louis gaze softened immediately, Harry looked so… broken.

He took his face in his hands, stroking his cheek with his thumb.

“hey” he said lovingly. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too” it came out in sobs, making Harry finally get out everything he was so tired of feeling.  
Louis pulled the taller boy in his arms.

“hey, I’m here, it’s alright. I got you, It’s going to be fine.” They stood there for a few minutes, in the middle of the yard, while sun sat down quietly, Harry was gripping the back of Louis’ jacket like his life depended on it, and Louis let him, holding him tighter until Harry’s crying slowed down. “let’s go inside, love, I’ll get you some water.” Harry nodded, getting keys from his pockets.

 

A half an hour passed and they were sitting in the living room, talking about advertisements, for some reason, but neither of them were really into the conversation, both trying to distract each other.

“how are you feeling? Better?” Louis asked Harry after he made sure Harry seemed completely calm.

“yeah, I’m better.” He said genuinely. He looked down. “I’m sorry, I’m so fucked up.”

“hey, stop fucking apologizing, please! We are all fucked up, some more, some less, it’s okay. You just can’t do shit like, disappear for five days, alright? You’re my friend, I love you, talk to me, just tell me what’s wrong.” Louis said.

Harry chuckled, rolling his eyes at himself. Of course, he would even fuck up attempt not to fuck things up. He tried to think of something to say.

“there are some things you don’t know about me.” Harry said, slowly.

“so you keep telling me…” Louis said, no longer impressed by Harry being secretive.

“if you know them you’ll change your mind about me, you might even hate me, and I didn’t want to fuck up our relationship.”

“so instead you decided to just throw it in the trash, yeah, why not just ghost someone cause I’m too fucking scared of fucking things up, cause THAT makes sense.”  
“I just can’t… tell you some things.”

“here’s the thing Harry, I honestly don’t give a fuck what kind of person you were in the past, even if you were a complete asshole, because you are amazing now, we all do shit we regret, it doesn’t mean it should haunt us all our lives. But you, on the other hand, seem to want to tell me, because whatever it is, you’re not over it and it keeps coming up, so just tell me, how bad it could be, I mean, it’s you.” He looked at him fondly.

“okay, alright, you’re right.”

Louis just looked at him expectedly, getting more comfortable in his chair. Concentrating to not miss a word. 

Harry didn’t know how to do it, how to say things, it’s like he forgot how to speak, after a few minutes he finally started to talk.

“so I’ve never told you but after my stepdad left my mom, she picked up a habit, she… she used to drink a lot, she doesn’t anymore, and as a child I wanted to take care of her and myself, and keep up with school so I didn’t go out much… or at all. So I didn’t really have any friends. Until I met Luna” his expression changed when he said her name, it got heavier with guilt. “she helped me so much with everything, I wasn’t so sad anymore, she was my best friend.” remembering it all, he’s eyes started to water again, he looked down trying to hide his face from Louis, who wrapped his arms around him, comforting him, he didn’t deserve comfort… he didn’t deserve Louis, he didn’t deserve anything. 

“it’s okay Harry, keep going”

“no it’s not, I’m a horrible person.” He choked out. Trying to hold tears back.

“what happened next?”

“once when I was 16, there was this party, and Luna really wanted me to go, to meet her new boyfriend, but I didn’t want to go, still she convinced me and I went. And then I met him and after a while she left to say hi to other friends, and left us alone so we could get to know each other…” his words were getting more and more difficult to understand, he seemed distant, like he wasn’t even there, just babbling. 

Harry felt like he couldn’t go on. But he had to tell someone. He had to tell him, he wanted him to say it was okay, even though he knew it wasn’t, he knew Luna would never forgive, so louis had to. Louis was still holding him, but he was tense, cringing a little, like he knew what was coming. Harry looked down again, not meeting his eyes.  
“he… um… he put his hand on my thigh and I freaked out and ran to bathroom but he… um… he fallowed me in before I was able to close the door and he… I didn’t mean to do anything I swear Louis…” tears were falling down his eyes, wetting Louis’ shirt, Harry was hysterical.

“I told him to let go of me but it still happened, it was my fault, but I didn’t know I was flirting, he said I was flirting I… I didn’t want it, I swear, I told him to get off of me, but he made me get on my knees and he um…. You know… and then someone saw us and Luna found out what I had done, she yelled at me, and never talked to me again... I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to do it Louis I swear… please don’t hate me.” 

Louis was frozen. For a few seconds the room was silent, harry tried to even his breathing. After the silence got unbearable, Harry finally dared to look up at him. Louis seemed sad and angry, also concerned and he was staring at the wall, as he felt Harry shift he looked down at him, holding him tighter.

“Harry! I’m so sorry that happened to you! I’m so sorry…” he said holding back tears.

“what are you talking about?” harry was confused “do you not hate me?” he couldn’t look at Louis.

“hey look at me, it’s okay, Harry, you do realize that it wasn’t your fault, don’t you? How is it your fault, he forced you to do it, you said you didn’t want to and told him to let go of you, just because he thought you were flirting with him, even if you really were flirting with him, it doesn’t give him right to rape you it’s so fucked up that you think that.” Louis sounded frustrated and upset, yet calm, he sounded like he was talking to a child, careful with every word. Harry didn’t answer, nor did he look at him.

“no” Harry shook his head.

“Harry please look at me.”

“no, it wasn’t like that” was all Harry whispered, his tone shaky and unsure.

“then how was it Harry?” Louis asked calmly, still holding Harry, and that’s when Harry started sobbing uncontrollably, repeating words Louis couldn't make a sense out of, but it wasn’t helping, nothing could take this feeling away, he felt like he didn’t have control over anything anymore. What if Louis was right? what if Harry already knew that.

That night Harry fell asleep crying, Louis was holding him tight, whispering comforting things in his ear, telling him everything was going be alright. Louis was crying too, he was crying because he felt powerless, he couldn’t take his pain away, he couldn’t do anything, and that’s when Louis realized that he cared for Harry more than he would have ever thought. Louis didn’t sleep that night. He studied the sleeping boy in his arms, he looked so peaceful like this, his face relaxed like he had no worry in the world, his curls were messy, he kissed Harry’s forehead, still holding him tight.


	5. Chapter 5

Next morning when Harry woke up for a split second he didn’t remember anything. All he felt was warm body pressed against his back, a very uncomfortable position he fell asleep in, and alarming feeling that something important has happened. After a second it all came back, adrenaline rushed through his veins, his heart started to beat fast, it felt like his entire world was shaking, he didn’t want to open his eyes.

Louis could tell that he woke up, by the way his breathing got fast and he stroked his curls gently to calm him down and let him feel safe.

“morning Haz” his voice was rough from not speaking for a while and his tone was calming and caring. Harry opened his eyes. He turned around to face Louis, adjusting his body on a couch. He was almost laying on top of him.

“hey” he said quietly. Burying his face in Louis’ chest. 

Harry just wanted to go back to sleep, to forget, or die. He felt dirty and out of place, he felt like his head would explode if he kept thinking for a second more, everything was spinning around him and he wanted to hold on to something, no he wanted to hold onto Louis, so he did.

They laid like that for a while, feeling each other’s warmth and letting the feeling of a quiet morning sink in. Harry wished so much that it was just a regular morning, that he was just okay, that it didn’t feel like he just woke up in an apocalyptic world all of a sudden.

After a while they had to get up and get sorted, after that they had breakfast, chatting about irrelevant things, avoiding everything they talked about the night before. Until in the moment of momentary silence Louis finally asked.

“Haz, how are you, really?”

“I’m processing” it came out like a question. “I know I have a lot to think about and a lot of things to rearrange in my head, I was thinking maybe I should get a professional help.”

“like a therapist?” Harry nodded.

“I’m just so tired of feeling this way Lou, feeling worthless and used, I hate myself all the time, I’m just tired, I want to be happy, I want to fix myself, I’m ready.”

“I’m so happy to hear that harry, you trying to help yourself is a big deal, you want to take control of your life and you will, I promise to help you, whatever you need.” Louis smiled and took Harry’s hand into his.

“you’ve helped me a lot as it is Louis, you really have, if it wasn’t for you I would probably be stuck in an abusive relationship, hating myself, not realizing that I was… what happened to me.” 

“I wish I could do more… but you’re the only one who truly can make a change.”

Harry smiled at him sadly.

He was in this weird mental state, like suddenly someone turned off a loud noise that he’s been hearing non-stop for years, the truth was, that the panic of everything coming back in the morning left as fast as it came, oddly enough Harry felt nothing. He was just… rational. It felt like every emotion was locked up in a dark corner of his brain while the rational part of him tried to figure out the solution to deal with everything.He felt like a lifeless robot. 

Everything was clear now, he felt calm, so calm it scared him, he was concentrated, emotionless, he had a plan. He wanted to start living again, and he would, as soon as he fixed himself.

After breakfast Louis left and since Harry didn’t have anything to do, he spent the day thinking, thinking about his life, about everything. After that he searched a therapist that was covered by his insurance and had good reviews, he called her and made an appointment. He was going on Tuesday, it was Thursday. He felt like he could finally breath, like he would get through it. 

It was late afternoon, he made dinner. His mother would be home soon. 

When she walked through the door she seemed very tired and somehow older. It’s like Harry hasn’t really looked at her in years. Maybe he hasn’t.

“hey mom” he said.

“hey kiddo” she gave him a weak smile, She stood there not daring to move and ruin the conversation.

“I made dinner, your favorite.”

“oh, thanks love.” she squeezed his hand and gave him a kiss on the cheek, overwhelmed by the sudden change in her son. 

He’s been avoiding her for so long, he completely shut her out, but now he felt like he needed her. She seemed different, she seemed like old Anne. They sat down to eat. Anne was surprised by the shift of Harry’s mood, he was suddenly talking to her again, but she didn’t say anything about it.

“how was your day sweety?”

“it was… long.” He was thinking if he should tell her, and decided to try. “a lot of things are happening right now”

“yeah? Like what?” she asked, giving him her full attention.

“I broke up with Sam.” he started from the easiest.

“oh, I’m sorry kiddo, you really liked him… what happened”

“he wasn’t very nice to me.” He said looking down at his food, not really feeling anything intense about it, it felt like it was ages ago. After being silent all this time, he felt brave, now that he finally started talking about things he couldn’t stop. It’s like something inside was pushing him. “he… um… sometimes he would hit me.” he said looking down.

“oh my god harry! Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry looked at her with a sad smile.

“I was ashamed… and we don’t really tell each other things.” Anne’s eyes were tearing up.

“it’s all my fault, I’m sorry Harry, I don’t know if you can forgive me, I sure will never forgive myself.” She said few tears dropping on her cheeks, food long forgotten.

“that is not even the worst thing.”

“what do you mean?”

“I’m not sure I’m ready to talk about it yet, if that’s okay, but I booked a session with a therapist on Tuesday.”

“Harry you’re scaring me”

“it’s okay mom, I’ll be fine, I know what I need to do now to fix everything.” Harry said smiling, Anne returned his smile, but it was mechanical, she was worried and anxious.

It was so nice, communicating with his mom again, he was 17, almost an adult but he still needed her, he’s been neglecting her, even after she stopped drinking, it was mostly because of his depression and self-hatred. He didn’t feel like he deserved someone loving him and he just couldn’t think about it, but he was going to start fixing their relationship. They ended the day on the couch, watching a movie, like they did when he was a child, and finally harry believed that everything would be alright.

***

Tuesday came faster than Harry hoped for.

Sure, he wanted to go to therapy and get better but it was all a theory before, now it was something he had to actually work on and he was terrified. 

He woke up at 6 am that day, not being able to properly sleep all night, his mom had a night shift so he couldn’t even talk to her. Finally, he went to school, he walked there, but still he was half an hour early.

He sat down on the bench in the park that was next to his school and lit up a cigarette. He just wanted it to be 4 pm so he would finally see the therapist, anticipation was killing him, he felt dizzy and out of place. He threw away his cigarette without even smoking half of it, he wanted to throw up and it wasn’t helping. His phone buzzed in his pocket.

“morning H, I’m picking you up at 3, right?” it was Louis. He promised he would go with Harry.

“hey, yeah I finish school at 3” he texted back.

“okay love, how are you feeling, nervous?”

“very. I feel like I’m gonna throw up”

“just take a deep breath and concentrate on something else, it’ll be over before you know it. I Love you.” 

Harry’s heart was filled with warmth, even though he couldn’t comprehend why would someone love him, it seemed like Louis really did. He knew it was just a friendly love, but he would take whatever he could get.

“thanks, love you too.” He texted back. He got up and went into the school.

At 15:06 Harry was already sitting in Louis’ car, feeling soft breeze on his face from the open window. He wasn’t too anxious anymore, or he just tried not to think about it.

“so it’s 10 minutes’ drive, which gives us spare half an hour to eat, I googled and there’s a shitty pizza place right across the road, wanna go?” Louis asked looking at the road.

“I feel like if I eat now I will throw up, but we could go there instead of therapist, I mean, how much do I really need it…” Louis looked at him with raised eyebrows.

“Harry! You’re not bailing on therapist, come on!” Harry let out a loud breath.

“I know, I just… feel so… fuck. I’m really anxious.”

“I know baby.” Louis squeezed his hand to comfort him. Harry’s heart skipped a beat. “let’s just get you an ice-cream and get pizza after yeah?”

“are you trying to bribe me with food?”

“absolutely. Is it working?”

“of course it’s working.”

After they had an ice cream and smoked there was nothing else Harry could do to avoid going into a building in front of him, so he just took a deep breath and started walking in. Louis was next to him, with his arm around his waist. The building was really home-like, it felt more like a hotel, or spa than a clinic. Despite the inviting environment, when the nurse called his name Harry froze, looking at Louis for comfort. 

“ready?” he asked giving him a reassuring smile.

“no.” harry frowned, looking at the white door he was supposed to walk in. “is anyone ever ready?!” he was starting to panic.

“hey relax Haz, it’s gonna be alright, we’re here to get you help, okay?” Harry nodded and swallowed.

“yeah you’re right, okay let’s do it”

The appointment started horribly, therapist, Lisa, was a nice middle aged woman, she was not the problem, problem was Harry, who could barely get a word out, his anxiety got the best of him, he felt like he said all the wrong things, he was stuttering and couldn’t really finish his sentences. At one point he even cried, not knowing what for.

After a while Lisa calmed him down, told him that he had nothing to worry about. After that mostly Lisa was the one talking, she told him that he had anxiety and depression, they talked about symptoms and whether Harry wanted to go to a psychiatrist, which Harry did not. She told him that a lot of people suffer from anxiety and depression and that it was absolutely manageable.

When the time was up, they made another appointment at the end of the same week, and then Harry left.

Harry walked out of her office feeling like he just got hit by a bus and beat up by 10 people. He saw Louis pacing in the hallway, biting his fingernail. When he noticed Harry he looked at him expectedly.

“so?”

“Let’s go get my pizza.” was all Harry said, walking out the door.

15 minutes later they were sitting in the pizza place, that was surprisingly not as shitty as Louis thought it would, waiting for their food.

Louis was staring at harry, tapping his fingers on the table, waiting for Harry to talk, trying his best not to push him.

“it was fine I guess.” Harry started, and Louis nodded, much more relaxed now, waiting for Harry to continue. “it was more like getting to know each other, talking about the general stuff, nothing specific.”

“okay” Louis said, still waiting for more.”

“at first I said everything wrong, I was so nervous and stressed, then I cried...” Harry said cringing. “and after that she did most of the talking, explaining things to me.” Louis smiled fondly at that.

“there’s no wrong things to say when you’re in therapy, you’re just nervous, you liked her though, right? That’s all that matters, it’ll be better next time.”

“I hope, it’s just… ugh…” he groaned in frustration.

“hey, don’t ask too much from yourself, you’re trying your best, okay?!” Harry nodded, looking down, Louis intertwined their fingers together.

“she thinks I should see a psychiatrist.”

“oh, are you going to?”

“I don’t really want to be on meds…”

“that’s okay, let’s see how things work out, yeah?” Louis said.

“yeah” Harry smiled at him.

***

Heat woke harry up. summer sun was visible even from the thick curtains of his window. He groaned and kicked away the sheet that was twisted around one of his ankles. he opened his eyes to look at the clock, it was half past ten. The last month of summer brought unbearable heat and all harry wanted to do was to find a hole, crawl in it and lay there until he died. Unfortunately, he couldn’t afford such luxury, he had to be at work in two hours. 

It’s been four months since Harry was in therapy, it was a lot of hard work but he was alright for the most part. He tried to take one day at a time and do his best. He felt like depression was a huge abyss that he slowly crawled out from but he was still walking on the edge, a small breeze could throw him back into the darkness. 

He tried so hard to stay there, away from abyss, holding on so hard that his hands bleed and it was so exhausting trying all the time not to fall, to stay alive to feel fine.

In summer when school was over, Harry decided to fill up his schedule so that he would reduce free time to minimum, free time meant thinking and thinking meant being locked in his head thinking about every reason why he doesn’t want to be alive and it was a dangerous road he wasn’t going to follow anymore. He picked up more shifts at the café, even made a few friends among employees and clients, most of his free time he was spending with Louis, his mom or his new found friends.

After shower he went down to the kitchen, making an iced coffee for himself and his mom. They drank it as Harry was telling him a story about how he and Louis almost got lost in the woods the other day.

“he sounds wonderful, I’d really love to meet him” Anne said smiling, once he finished his story.

“maybe one day.” Harry laughed.

“I want to meet your boyfriend!” she demanded.

“he is not my boyfriend.” Harry said rolling his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he was blushing.

“but you like him.”

“that doesn’t sound like a question”

“because it isn’t, it sounds like he likes you too, so what’s the problem?” she seemed too excited.

“I don’t know ma, I don’t feel ready for a relationship yet, after everything, and I also don’t want to ruin our friendship, I’m scared to do anything, what if he doesn’t feel the same?”

“I think he does, but you know better, whenever you’re ready, kiddo.”

Harry finished his coffee and went out the door. He was supposed to meet Louis after work, they were going to their place, the beach, it was a little crowded in summer but still perfect. What if harry pretended they were going on a date?! Would it be such horrible thing to do?! He sighed. Maybe one day, he thought as he continued walking.

***

It was 7 pm and Harry was laying on the beach with his head in Louis’ lap, who was sitting against the tree, running his hands in Harry’s curls, looking at the horizon. 

“so I was thinking…” harry said. Louis hummed in acknowledgment, turning his attention completely at Harry, waiting for him to continue. “I’ve been talking about it with my therapist, and I think I’m ready to talk to Luna, about, you know… she deserves to know.” Louis looked at him, thinking for a second.

After telling his mom two months ago, Harry didn’t think telling his former best friend would be too hard, but on the other hand there was more chance that she wouldn’t even believe him and slam the door in his face, thinking of which made Harry extremely anxious, but he couldn’t just avoid it anymore.

“I think that’s a very good idea Haz.” Louis said playing with Harry’s hair. “by the way, how was it yesterday? the therapy, I mean.”

“it was fine, I can tell I’m making a lot of progress, I’m much better Lou, I’m generally happier, after all this time I feel like I can enjoy life again, every part of it, perfect little moments like this” Harry took Louis hand in his, intertwining their fingers together, smiling up at him, Louis smiled back at him fondly. 

“you’re the biggest part of it, you know that, right? I couldn’t do all this without you.” He continued, not breaking eye contact.

“I don’t believe that for a second” Louis said cheerfully, “you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.” He added, his tone more serious. 

Harry closed his eyes, letting sun shine over his face, Louis was tracing his face with his fingers, taking his time admiring younger boy. He was so beautiful like this, relaxed and content. He wanted to memorize every part of his face, body and soul, for now he had to settle for just his face. 

He was gently touching his brows, moving towards his nose, eyes, cheekbones, jawline, stopping at the chin for a second, it was innocent touches, but atmosphere got thicker when he slowly moved his fingers to trace Harry’s slightly open lips, Harry didn’t dare to breathe, feeling electricity follow Louis’ fingertips, as warmth spread through his entire body. 

Harry opened his eyes and set up slowly. His face was inches away from Louis’, he could feel his warm breath on his lips, Harry cupped his face gently, stroking his cheek with his thumb, they looked into each other’s eyes, it was so easy to get lost like this, to imagine that there was nothing in the world but them, it was magical somehow, intimate, perfect.

They set like this for a little while, just looking into each other’s eyes, loving and studying each other on a different level, neither daring to make a move, but then, before Harry could realize it Louis leaned in to place a kiss on his cheek, slower than necessary, harry froze, he stopped breathing, not giving himself time to think he pressed his lips to Louis’. It was a small kiss, just testing the waters, just to feel, he was too lost in the moment to try to stop himself.

Louis tensed up for a second but before Harry could pull back he returned the kiss, it was passionate but slow, they wanted to feel each other, taste each other, it was almost spiritual, everything went quiet in Harry’s head, he felt like he was filled with light, pureness, he couldn’t even describe the feeling, he wanted to cry, it was so intense and overwhelming. 

They stayed like this for a while, just kissing, feeling and loving each other. When they pulled apart they didn’t say anything, just smiled at each other.

“I think we should go home Haz, it’s getting late, Anne is gonna be worried” Louis whispered, not wanting to break the magic, still cupping Harry’s face. Harry just nodded. They got into the car, Louis started driving, Harry felt mesmerized and unreal, looking out of window he felt dizzy from so many thoughts rushing through his brain. Louis stopped when he reached Harry’s house. They looked at each other. 

“well, this is me” Harry said awkwardly, pointing at his house, Louis smiled and rolled his eyes. Harry didn’t know how to say goodbye, what should they do, hug as usual, kiss, should they talk… before he could get anxious, Louis placed a small kiss on his lips, Harry smiled.

“okay” he said “see you soon.”

“yes you will” said Louis, smirking at him. 

Harry closed the door and went inside, after a small talk with his mom, he went to his room, closed the door and let out a loud breath, rubbing his face. He felt so overwhelmed and excited, he couldn’t believe what happened. He could still feel pressure and taste Louis left on his lips, along with small playful bites. 

he checked the time, it was almost midnight. He took his clothes off and laid in the bed. He closed his eyes but he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t stop thinking about Louis, his blue eyes, his beautiful face, how his lips felt on Harry’s, how his hand traced his back and sides, he felt himself getting hard at the thought, he reached down to palm his cock, slowly, he started fantasizing about Louis, thinking about how it’d feel like to make love to him, would he take his time touching and kissing every part of Harry’s body, or would he be too impatient.

He imagined what Louis hands would feel like on his cock, imagined Louis whispering dirty things in his ear as he slammed into him hard, he let out a moan stroking himself faster, imagining Louis fucking him and coming inside of him and that threw him over the edge, he came all over his hand and stomach while biting into his lip to prevent himself from moaning or yelling. Exhausted from the day, he fell asleep in seconds.


	6. Chapter 6

It was Saturday and Harry decided it was time to finally do what he had been postponing for a long time. He had just finished his shift at the café, and he didn’t have anything to do, so he started walking on the once familiar path. 

He was scared, but he couldn’t wait any longer, he was the one who had to deal with it sooner or later and avoiding it was making him more and more anxious. He knocked on the red door, nostalgia hitting him, it felt like home in a way, like an old home, haunted with ghosts of the past, he could still hear the echo of their laughter from years ago. He shook his head to clear his thoughts. The door opened slowly, revealing a small figure.

“what are you doing here?” said Luna, her tone was more confused than angry or hostile, so it was a good sign. Her face was the same as he remembered, but her hair was different, it wasn’t tied in two low ponytails as it used to, instead it was in a high messy bun. 

“hey Luna” Harry said, giving her a small smile. “we need to talk.” He felt like the ground he was standing on was vibrating, making his head spin and feet burn, what if she just told him to get the hell out and slammed the door in his face, after all that she thought happened, no one could blame her.

Fortunately, none of that happened, instead she stood there patiently, waiting for him to say more, Harry read hesitance on her face and opened his mouth to say something, but before he could, Luna stepped aside to let him in.

“okay, come on in.” she was calm but puzzled, it felt so odd being here like this, after years of no contact, breathing in her scent that felt like home once, seeing her freckled face. “would you like a coffee? I was just making it for myself.” She said as she pulled out two mugs and started to pour coffee in them, not waiting for an answer. It was such a Luna thing to do, Harry’s hart ached at the painful familiarity. 

“so, what brings you here, Harry?” she said after putting mugs in front of them on the coffee table, she sat on the sofa, and so did Harry.

“I don’t know how to start actually… it’s so stupid, honestly I didn’t expect that you would actually let me talk…” he said, gathering his thoughts. Luna waited patiently, slowly sipping her coffee, looking at him. “it’s about what happened, that night, about Ethan.”

“what about him” Luna said, her face was tense, eyebrows frowning, trying not to show her vulnerability to the subject.

“it didn’t happen the way you thought it did, and I just realize that a few months ago.” He stopped, his heart was racing, he needed a moment. “I was so delusional and confused… and scared I guess.”

“what do you mean Harry?” Luna asked impatiently, concentrating too hard to breath easy. 

“he um… he…” he felt his eyes tearing up, not now, he came here because he thought he could do it, but he felt like he couldn’t say a word. A few tears fell from his eyes. He looked up at Luna and just when their eyes met her expression changed, realization and shock took over her face as she gasped and covered her mouth with her hand. Her face was twisted in pain, it looked like she was about to scream as tears dropped from the corners of her eyes.

“oh my god” she said “oh my god, Harry please tell me he didn’t” another sob escaped his mouth, he nodded hysterically, biting his lip to prevent another sob to leave his mouth.  
She pulled him in her arms and held him, stroking his arm, shushing him and trying to calm him down, even though she was whimpering loudly herself. 

Minutes passed and it felt like hours as much as it felt like seconds. Stabbing pain in his heart reduced to its’ usual dull self and settled in his chest like an old habit you tend to forget. 

“do you believe me?” he finally said, not looking up at her.

“what kind of question is that? Of course I believe you, I wish you had told me before. You know he’s in jail, right?”

“what?” he sat up, his eyes were wide and mouth was agape.

“yeah some girls reported him, same things happened to them I guess, they put him away, he’s a sick monster Harry, and he deserves worse.” Her eyes were glued to the wall, not blinking. Suddenly she turned her eyes to look at Harry, her expression heavy with guilt and regret. “Oh my god, this is all my fault.”

“what? No! you couldn’t have known.”

“you were trying to tell me, weren’t you, you said you didn’t want it, oh my god I was so stupid, not only did I introduce him to you and left you alone with him, but also didn’t listen to you and left you to deal with it alone.” She was trembling, talking too fast, more to herself than him. “I’m so sorry, Harry!” he looked at him pleadingly, her eyes watering and chin slightly shaking.

“don’t blame yourself, Luna, you couldn’t have possibly known, he told me things after, blamed me, and made me feel guilty for what he did, even I believed him, how could you have known.” 

“I should have known you’d never do something like that, not to me, not to anybody, you were so kind and innocent, god!”

“it’s all over now, I just wanted you to know.” He started to get up suddenly feeling full with overwhelming emptiness.

“wait” he stopped “please stay, I know we haven’t talked in forever, but please, just stay, I just missed you so much, I almost called you a few times, despite what I thought you had done, but I just couldn’t swallow my pride. We were kids, harry. I know that we have both changed since then, and maybe we don’t know each other now, but let’s try to be friends again.” Luna looked at him with hopeful eyes. Harry smiled and it felt dry, he pulled her in a hug. 

They talked for hours, telling each other about their lives, trying to get to know each other again. Finally, it was time for Harry to leave, they exchanged numbers, hugged tightly and as Harry looked at the girl waiving and smiling from the doorstep he felt sad, he thought that it would never be the same. He felt relieved that he told her the truth but his heart was sinking, because it felt more like a closure than the beginning. 

The walk home felt like forever, the gravity felt too heavy all of a sudden, every step felt like moving on and he didn’t know if it was fair, or right, or if he cared about these things.  
First thing he did when he got home was collapse in his bed, he didn’t wash his hand like he usually would, neither did he take his shoes off before getting on the bed, he just kicked them off after. His phone buzzed.

‘hey’ the text from Louis said.

The day had been so emotionally draining and overwhelming that he didn’t even manage to think about the boy that was constantly on his mind. They hadn’t talked since the day before, when they made out, and honestly Harry didn’t really want to. 

See, he was anxious and stressed and felt like he just couldn’t deal with it right now. He didn’t answer the text, just stared at it for a while, thinking about all the nice things he didn’t deserve.

‘I’m kinda bored, wanna hang out?’ He texted fifteen minutes later.

Harry just couldn’t bring himself to type a simple response, he just continued looking at the screen, maybe somehow Louis would know how he felt and leave him forever, or maybe he would come to rescue.

After few more minutes a phone in his hand started buzzing.

Harry looked at it, looked at it some more and was about to answer when a silly picture of smiling boy disappeared and the screen went black. He sighed, maybe it was for the best, it’d be best for Louis to stay away.

Some people think that they can fix something that’s broken, maybe they have the urge to do good, are genuinely kind, or maybe they just like a good challenge.  
Maybe they feel better about themselves this way, maybe they’re looking for an escape from their problems in other peoples’. maybe they think that if they fix someone, someone will fix them, but it’s just not how it works, because life isn’t fair, it’s not obligated to be.

They don’t realize how it really feels, how it really is. It’s like walking on a thin ice, waiting for it to break. Wanting for it to break.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline they’re after, they just don’t care that adrenaline is for keeping you alive, not for entertainment. Does it even matter? What they want is never what they get. It’s a gamble anyway, and gambling isn’t smart.

The phone started to buzz again, startling Harry. This time he picked up the call instantly. Staying silent.

“Harry, are you there?” he heard a nervous voice coming from the other side of the line.

“yeah, hey.” He managed to choke out. His voice was robotic and hollow. 

“hey” Louis said, Harry could feel fondness in his voice, it was so warm it broke his heart. He didn’t deserve it, he didn’t deserve him. Harry didn’t say anything, just listened to Louis breathe. “so did you see my texts?”

“yeah, sorry I can’t right now.” He spoke slowly, emotionless. 

“oh, okay. What are you up to? Are you alright?” there was concern in his voice that Harry just couldn’t handle.

“yeah I’m fine” the familiar lie tasted bitter on his tongue. “but I gotta go now. Talk to you later.” There was a pause.

“okay” Louis said slowly, obviously disappointed, god, Harry really hated himself right now. “bye, I guess.”

“bye” Harry said. He didn’t hang up right away, only after hearing him breath for a few seconds, just feeling the glimpse of his presence.

He spent the day in the bed, just hiding, wishing everything would just stop hurting so fucking much, wishing he could just disappear in the silence. He drifted to sleep long after midnight.

***

 

After a long discussion of his feeling with his therapist Harry decided avoiding Louis was unhealthy coping mechanism to hating himself. He didn’t really wanna call, too scared of chickening out, instead he showed up at his apartment, scared shitless to knock.

It’s been five minutes since he got here and he was staring at the crack in the white paint of the door like his life depended on it. 

the door opened and Louis just looked at him with tired expression.

“if you’re waiting for the door to get shy from all the stares and walk away you’re wasting your time, it has seen much worse.”

Harry would answer, if his throat wasn’t so dry suddenly, and if there wasn’t a loud noise in his ears that was making it hard to concentrate on forming words.  
“wanna come in?” Louis raised his eyebrows, stepping aside.

Harry isn’t quite sure how he makes his legs move, or how he gets inside but once the door is closed behind him he can feel the panic rise. Suddenly a tear escapes his eyes. Traitors, these tears, always there at the wrong time.

Suddenly Louis is there and he’s wrapping his arms around him, he’s calm, holding him tight, patiently waiting for harry to stop crying, say something, do something.  
He should probably be ashamed of the amount of times he pulled something like this, he should be worried that Louis is sick of his bullshit by now, but somehow, with strong arms around him it’s hard to think about all of that.

“how are you not sick of me already?” harry whispers. Louis doesn’t answer.

“I’m sorry Lou” Harry says. Louis lets go of Harry’s body to move to the couch and sit. Harry was regretting ever speaking already. He sat next to Louis, facing him. 

“What for?” Louis asked calmly. How was he always so calm, harry wished sometimes that Louis would yell at him, call him out on his bullshit or just tell him to fuck off finally so he had nothing to hold on to.

“everything?” he said not daring to meet his eyes. “for being this way, for avoiding you. I’m really sorry” he wiped his tears with his sleeve.

“I get it, it’s okay.”

“what do you mean it’s okay, it’s not okay.” Harry said quietly, frustrated.

“I mean, I get it.” Louis looked down, tugging on his shirt, he looked so small and vulnerable. “you freaked out about the kiss, it’s okay, it’s not a big deal, doesn’t mean we have to stop being friends or anything.”

“Louis no!” Louis looked up confused and a little bit startled. “god, I’m so stupid… I don’t want you to think it’s because of the kiss, I loved the kiss, it’s just… everything I guess, I’m just sad and confused and I don’t know how to fix myself, I don’t know if I can.”

“it’s okay Harry, you can do it, I know it. Just take one step at a time yeah?” Louis said looking into his eyes and suddenly everything was fine for the moment, he could breathe again. “now come here, I was about to watch a movie, I’ll even let you pick it, just because you’re so adorable” Louis smiled at him, wrapping Harry in his arms.

***

“do you want some beer?” Louis asked pausing the movie when harry nodded, Louis got beer and was about to resume the movie when Harry spoke.

“I saw Luna”

“oh” Louis said “how did it go?”

“as well as it could have, I guess, we caught up and all.”

“what’s wrong then?”

“I don’t know… it just felt off, talking with her, I mean, it’s not the same.”

“well, sometimes people just outgrow each other. Doesn’t mean that any of them are bad, it just happens. It’s okay to move on.” Harry nodded.

“I’m still sad though.” Louis gave him a sad smile, kissing his cheek.

“of course you are.”

“let’s get back to the movie” harry said after a pause. He didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

Half an hour later, movie was almost finished, Harry was practically laying on top of Louis, who had his arms wrapped around the younger boy, holding him tight. Harry couldn’t really concentrate on the movie, all he could think about was Louis’ skin, he wanted to touch his stomach, collarbones, he wanted to kiss his lips that most likely tasted like beer. He felt so warm and cozy. He had his hand near the waistline of Louis’ trousers, it was halfway under his shirt, he couldn’t help but stroke his thumb, he wanted to feel Louis’ smooth skin. 

Louis looked and smiled at him, his face was illuminated by TV light and he looked so fucking beautiful. Harry couldn’t help but kiss the base of his neck. Louis hummed in approval. He turned to him and locked their lips together. It felt like heaven, it was so warm, comfy and exciting, he was taking Harry’s breath away. Harry felt like he could do this forever, be in his arms, kiss him. 

“loved the kiss, huh?” Louis said teasingly, smiling at him. Harry felt happy, it felt like a dream, forgetting for a while the mess that was his mind and life.  
Louis shifted and set up, pulling Harry in his lap, slowly kissing and biting up and down his neck, his hands were under his shirt and Harry could feel the shiver following Louis’ fingertips down his spine. Louis tugged on his shirt.

“is this okay?” he looked at Harry, and took his shirt off, after the boy nodded slowly. “you’re so beautiful, Haz” Louis whispered, placing a kiss on his collarbone.  
Louis was kissing his chest, hands slowly running up and down Harry’s body, taking him in, studying him, Harry got rid of Louis’ shirt and kissed his neck, gently sucking, Louis let out a small moan when Harry’s hands brushed one of his nipples. When Harry reached his mouth again, Louis bit his lip hungrily, opening his mouth to let their tongues brush up against each other.

“Lou can I touch you?” Harry whispered breathlessly, his hand hovering over the waistline of his sweatpants. Louis swallowed and nodded, sucking his bottom lip. Harry pushed down his pants and boxers, not braking the kiss and cupped his cock, Louis let out a loud, desperate breath and squeezed Harry’s ass, pushing him closer, causing their cocks to brush up against each other. 

The kiss got more intense and rough, as they grinded on each other, trying not to let pleasure stop their mouths from moving. They were lost in the heat, not being able to get enough of each other, the only sound in the room was their heavy breathing and occasional moans escaping their mouths.

After they reached their orgasms and cleaned up, they were lying on the bed, under the covers, Louis spooned Harry’s side, who was lying on his back. Louis was slowly stocking his cheek with his hand, placing small kisses on his shoulder, collarbones and neck from time to time.

“it just feels so bad, you know? Thinking about how much time I’m wasting feeling sad, hurting myself, torturing myself, I don’t want to feel like this, but sometimes, doesn’t matter how good I feel, it just takes over and I fall back into it. I can’t help it.”

“yeah, I get that, but please remember that days like that will eventually come to an end and be replaced with better ones, it’s okay to be sad, Harry, it gets better, you know it.”

“yeah I guess I do.” he sighed.

“you can always talk to me, you know that, right? I will be here to make your bad days more bearable maybe?” he looked up at him, rubbing circles on his chest.

“yeah, maybe…” Harry mumbled half asleep.

“okay, good. Now let’s sleep baby.” Louis kissed his nose, Harry giggled and smiled at him, leaning into him so close that there was no space between them, but neither of them minded as they fell asleep feeling content.

The next few weeks were better, Harry tried to deal with things instead of avoiding them as he usually would, he felt like he was more open with Louis, talking about stuff he used to keep inside. Some days were darker than others but he just tried to push through them and just live with it. Constant hovering at the edge of depression was exhausting but at least he was on the better side of it for now.

After discussing it, they decided to take things slow between them. Harry wasn’t in the place to deal with a relationship when he was barely able to function like a normal human being, so they would just go with the flow, whatever happened, happened. 

They spent most days together, at the lake, at the café, or at their houses, just talking or watching movies wrapped up in each other unable to hold back all the touches and kisses, it felt good, being this close to someone again, to have strong arms holding him and protecting him from the monsters inside his head.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is it, the last chapter.
> 
> I know it took me long, it was the hardest chapter for me to edit because I wrote it in the very dark period of my life and a lot of things came back.
> 
> anyway, I hope you enjoy.

November always brought sadness.

Harry didn’t know what it was exactly, could be the constant rain, making everything a few shades darker, or cold slowly creeping into his bones and soul. Maybe it was leaves, their vibrant colors now faded, their fragile structure still holding onto the gray trees despite being dead for too long.

Maybe that’s exactly how he felt.

As days got shorter and more colorless, Harry made a habit out of disappearing inside of his head more often than ever before. he knew his brain was not a good place to be in, it was filled with darkness and shadows, constantly trying to keep him there, voices that cornered him, blinding him, trying to shatter him even more.

Slowly normalcy lost a meaning, never knowing what to expect, he relied on nothing. No matter where he was, how busy he was or who he was with, something would snap and like a lightning from a clear sky it eclecticized every cell of his body, making the time stop and just like that, in a second, everything would fall out of place, making goosebumps appear on his skin out of the intensity of chaos that ran down his spine.

He never let it show, he would just chew on it until it felt insignificant enough to swallow, he was used to keeping things inside, so he never talked about it.

Lisa was the only one who really noticed the change, her professional face turning into a soft frown whenever Harry tried to avoid questions or distract her, or whenever he zoned out, too consumed by the darkness.

Harry appreciated her concern, he really did, but as Lisa tried to bring it up more and more in their sessions, he started to feel too anxious to even go there, he couldn’t avoid it forever.

Finally, on the second week of November he told her he wouldn’t be coming for a while, avoiding her knowing gaze with a lump in his throat and shaky hands as he went on about busy days, exams and that he was fine, really, he could handle himself for a while.

Lisa said goodbye with a sad smile, reminding Harry to take care of himself and to call her anytime, anytime at all, Harry, I’ll be here for you, she had said.

Louis had midterms starting next week, they lasted all the way through November. Which meant seeing each other once, maybe twice a week and texting less.

Harry understood that Louis had his life to deal with, his own problems, but more selfish part of him was upset at the lack of blue eyes, soft skin and red lips he liked to kiss so much.

‘The month will be over before you know it’ Louis had told him, so Harry repeated it like mantra every time he felt like his chest would explode from feeling too much but not enough.

*** 

It was Thursday when it all came crushing down. 

This morning wasn’t unlike any other days, but it felt different. Different in a way that you can’t quite put a finger on it, but you can feel that something is off. 

From the moment that he opened his eyes he felt it, the emptiness. It was familiar, too familiar to be comfortable, he knew what it meant by now. He opened his eyes like he was never asleep, like he just blinked, no thoughts in his mind, everything was just... blank. 

He stared at the celling for a moment, feeling every bit of void, examining it, adjusting his body to it, he blinked and tear fell down from his eyes, it was back. 

He sobbed, but it didn’t bring relief, it felt like a chore, a technicality. It was something he would usually do, but it didn’t feel right, it was just a dry, mechanical reflex. He felt disgusted by himself, he felt like a fucking freak. He straightened his face, letting his heart slowly pump numbness through his veins. 

 

He got up and went through his morning routine without even checking the time. He showered, dried himself, brushed his teeth, picked out clothes and got dressed. When he finally looked at the time, he realized it was just 7:30 in the morning.

He set down and started scrolling his Facebook, not really looking at it, after a while he stopped with a loud sigh, it was meaningless. Just pretending everything was normal, pretending he was still alive.

He got up and headed out the door, first time in years not listening to music while walking alone. He lit up a cigarette as he walked, familiar poison lightly burning his lungs. He avoided judgmental glances of a few people he met on the way. After what felt like forever, he realized, he wasn’t headed towards the school, and that he wasn’t even going to since he woke up.

He was walking in the opposite direction, aimless, looking at the streets get busy, everyone was hurrying at school, or work, he even saw a couple of girls who seemed like they were just getting home from a party, judging by their outfits and ruined make ups.

The bakery at the corner of the street was slowly getting busy, people hurrying out with a coffee in their hands, bell ringing every time the door opened. The cars that passed him were too loud, as well as the sound of people’s shoes, when they walked by. Dog was barking furiously behind the fence, there was a repetitive sound in his ears he just couldn’t get rid of, no matter how fast he walked.

He could feel the vibration of his heart, his body felt numb and tired, his head was spinning from feeling everything from the small breeze to the rotation of the earth. the town was slowly coming to life and he just wanted not to hear anything, just be in quiet but the noise in his ears was getting faster and louder by the second. The universe was laughing at him, reminding him just how meaningless he was. 

The world won’t stop just because you want to, it goes on, always, the noise was here before he got here and would still be here long after he was gone.

As he got to the unknown side of the town, he stopped to look around, he realized the noise was him, it was his breathing and he couldn’t just turn it off or ran away from it, it would follow, he would never get rid of it, his eyes started to water as he walked faster, feeling claustrophobic in his own body, he was trapped and he couldn’t control anything. He was fighting tears, silently praying they wouldn’t fall down, because if they did, he wouldn’t be able to stop. 

He was almost running when he became aware of odd glances he received, he stared back at them, a woman with child’s hand gripped tight into hers, hurrying somewhere, middle aged man in a suit, getting in his car, old lady watering flowers in her yard. He felt that his eyes weren’t tearing up anymore, he tried to concentrate on his surroundings to get out of his head.

He spotted a bus stop and got on the first bus that arrived, he just needed to get out of there, and it was taking too long to walk, and it was cold outside. After fifteen minutes he recognized the street they were approaching, it was the street near the lake, so he decided to get off the bus before he could think it over.

He started walking up the long hill that led to the lake, surrounded by woods. Trees were so comforting, full of life and beautiful in summer, but now they looked like something scary and lifeless, Harry avoided the sight, fixing his gaze on the concrete under his feet. 

His breathing was getting slower and he wasn’t thinking anymore, that was good, he was just counting steps, after one thousand nine hundred and fifty-six steps he was finally there, at the familiar beach, he thought how satisfying it would have been if he took a few smaller steps to go up to two thousand. 

The beach was quiet. He had never been here at this time of the year.

Harry checked the time, of course, it was barely past ten, nobody was going to go to the lake on Thursday morning, in November, when it was cold and cloudy.

Everything was so grey. The trees, the sky, small rocks across the beach, pigeons occasionally flying near him, even the water seemed gray. There was nobody in his sight line. He was completely alone, the tears pressed to the corners of his eyes, even here, at his safe heaven, everything felt off.

At least the noise was gone. 

But sometimes silence just sounded so much louder in his head than any words he ever heard.

He sat near the tree, near their tree, on their spot and started thinking of him.

He pulled out the phone and opened Louis’ contact, his goofy picture popped up, with his tongue out and silly face on. Harry smiled. His heart filling with warmth. He thought about calling for a second, but he was probably on a lecture, and what would he say anyway, “hey Lou, I’m not at school because I didn’t feel like it, so I got on a random bus and now I’m on the empty beach, I’m fine, but I kinda feel like dying and disappearing because nothing makes sense and everything is wrong and I just can't explain this throbbing feeling in my heart that is trying to break my body from the inside. how is your morning going so far?”

No, he couldn’t do it, that was stupid, he would freak out, or maybe suddenly he would realize how inadequate and fucked up Harry really was, and he would never talk to him again. He probably wouldn’t do that, but he would be worried and it was unfair. He had his own life to worry about, he needed to concentrate on studying. Harry wouldn’t be a burden to him.

“the month will be over before you know it” Louis’ cheerful voice echoed in his mind and he shut his eyes tight, trying to hold on to that.

He sighed and felt his eyes fill up with tears once again, probably for the tenth time in a past hour, but this time, he let them fall, there was nobody to see, or care, he was alone, alone on the beach and the entire universe, he was alone, and it was quiet and suddenly he loved it, he loved the silence, loved the birds flying in the sky, not giving a fuck about anything, loved the hot tears falling down his face, slightly burning, loved the feeling of letting it all out, getting empty of being numb but feeling everything simultaneously, loved that he was alone, and he could do anything and there was nobody to see.

He imagined for a second being on a deserted island, like the lake was an ocean, and nobody knew he existed, he spent a while pretending it was a reality, making up an imaginary world to escape the real one, it was only after a few hours that he realized he had fallen asleep.

It was getting darker and his phone was dead. The most of the clouds were gone and so was sun. There were a few people at the beach now, the wave of irritation hit him, he was angry, angry at people that they invaded his safe place and at himself for needing one.

He got up and started walking down the hill, his pace was fast and hands clenched in fists, he just couldn’t get away, could he?! he just wanted to disappear, he couldn’t just lock himself in his room, it felt too claustrophobic, but everywhere else he went, there were people and this white noise following him everywhere, making him unable to breathe or relax for a while.

He found the nearest store, that looked cheap enough to not ask for the ID and bought water, vodka and cigarettes. He started walking aimlessly, looking around.  
The darkness of the night started to color the sky darker shade of grey. His legs felt tired and his stomach was empty, finally he chose to turn on a small path that was disappearing in the thin woods down the hill, a little further from the lake.

He walked in, deep enough that he couldn’t see the road and sat down against the rock. He stared at the trees around him, it was dark but he could still see the cracks in them that sometimes looked like screaming faces.

He opened the bottle of vodka and drank as much as he could before he felt burning in his throat, he cringed at the taste and felt like throwing up, but he didn’t, instead he took his time, drinking it sip by sip, washing it down with water before he felt warmth settle in his stomach, his vison was blurry and everything was spinning when he closed his eyes and let his head rest on the rock.

It was fully dark now, it had been for a while, Harry was overwhelmed with sadness, he was sad because he didn’t feel better. Despite his attempts to keep going he was here again months later, just faking being alive. He felt empty, numb but full of pain and this noise in his head just couldn’t leave him alone, he could never be alone, and didn’t want to be alone, but also didn’t want to be around anyone, alcohol didn’t help either, not this time, no matter what he did, the aching feeling wouldn’t go away, he felt like there was a huge hole in his chest and that he had to hold his body tight with his arms or he would fall apart, but he soon realized, that even when he gave up on holding himself, he didn’t fall apart, no, it just stayed there, the feeling didn’t kill him, or get worse, or disappear, and he lost one more thing with realizing that – the illusion of control.

He started sobbing, not caring if anyone would hear, not caring about anything, it was so painful, everything hurt, his body felt like it was on fire that just refused to kill him, he felt the tingling feeling of urgency, like he needed to be somewhere, do something, but it was just a feeling and he couldn’t do anything, he yelled in frustration, braking the empty bottle of vodka over the stone he was sitting near, and stared at it, what if the only way to end the pain was to end it all, to not be aware, to not exist. What if the only way to not perceive world like this, was to stop the perception altogether, what if it was his only way out. To die. 

The thought startled him, making everything go quiet for a second. He took a deep breath, letting out last sob that was stuck in his throat, before feeling the cold glass against his skin.

He held a breath as he cut his skin. It wasn’t deep enough, he couldn’t see anything, the only light was coming from the moon and somewhere else, he couldn’t detect, maybe from the road lights, he wasn’t that far from it. It didn’t matter, he felt the blood on his arm. It still wasn’t enough, he cut again, deeper this time, whimpering silently, sobbing because he would die like this, prematurely, because he chose to die like this, because everything felt wrong and he just couldn’t think about anything but this noise in his head, he cut once more, it felt enough, he could feel the blood everywhere, his heartbeat slowed down and his limbs went numb as he finally passed out. It was going to be okay now. Everything was going to be fine.

***

He woke up with a feeling of urgency, before he even remembered who he was. His head was heavy and there was a pressure on his body, suffocating him, his head was pounding and his stomach was painfully empty. he slowly opened his eyes, there was a dim light in the room, he was in the hospital.

he tried to remember what happened but it was like looking through the foggy glass, he couldn’t quite reach his memories so he gave up. he registered the blanket as the source of pressure on his chest, he had bondage on his wrist, his mom was sleeping in the chair.

“mom?” he spoke, his mouth was dry and the word came out broken. He cringed. Anne opened her eyes and jumped up from the chair, sitting on the bed as fast as she could, her hair was messy and she had dark circles under her eyes, she looked exhausted, smaller. 

“Harry” tears rolled down her eyes “baby you’re awake” she wiped her tears and smiled at him, squeezing his hand carefully. “do you… do you remember what happened.” It was all back by now. He remembers. 

“yes” he said not meeting her eyes.

“why?” her voice was gentle but broken “I thought you were better, I thought… why didn’t you call me if you were feeling this way, why didn’t you call your therapist, or anyone, baby…” her face twisted in pain, her lower lip trembling.

“I don’t know… I’m sorry mom, I’m so sorry” tears were slowly rolling down his face. This should have been over, why wasn’t it over.

“everything is going to be fine, baby, we’re going to fix this together.” She held him for a while, whispering things, reassuring herself that everything would be fine as Harry stared at the wall behind her, trying not to scream from disappointment, he was still very much alive.

His eyelids felt heavy, sleep was a temporary escape so he gave into it. When he woke up again, he was alone in the room. He sat up and felt dizzy.

“hey, you’re awake!” nurse smiled at him kindly.

“yeah… uh… I need to use the bathroom.”

“of course” she led him to the bathroom, once he was out of there he asked her

“where’s my mom?”

“she went home for a while, to shower and change, she said she’d be back soon, she should be here any minute now.”

“how long have I been here?”

“you got here by midnight the day before yesterday, it’s 11 am now, so that would be 35 hours.”

“wow, you’re really good at mental math.” She smiled at him and he tried to mirror but he could feel how empty it would look.

“do you need anything else, love?” 'to die.' he shook his head. “doctor will be with you shortly” she smiled at him again and left the room. Before he had time to think doctor was in the room, asking him questions, then his mom got there, and she looked more refreshed, Harry’s heart ached when he was looking at her, guilt feeling his heart.

He had to see a psychiatrist that prescribed him some meds before leaving the hospital. Soon he was in the car with his mom, looking out the window as she was driving him home. He felt numb, absolutely emotionless, the noise was gone, but silence didn’t bring any comfort either. 

“it’s from the pills” Anne said. “by the way, I met Louis, he’s a lovely boy.”

“you did?” Harry’s eyes went wide.

“well, actually, on that day” she paused “when I got home you weren’t there, and I thought nothing of it at first but then it was getting late so I tried calling you but your phone was off, and I started to get worried, and then it got dark I was almost panicking when I heard knock on the door, I thought it was you, but it was Louis, looking like a mess, he said you weren’t at the work and didn’t call, and he couldn’t reach you and thought you would be home, he stayed with me, we were calling everyone you know, we even called at school and they said you weren’t there and I didn’t know what to do.” – silent tears were falling down Anne’s eyes, her voice was shaky - “and then we got the call, saying you were at the hospital, and I needed to get there, I couldn’t drive so he drove me, then they said that some woman found you, she was walking her dog, and heard you crying, before she reached you, you had already been passed out… Louis was at the hospital all night, god, I don’t know what I would do without him there. I think you should call him, as soon as you can.” 

Harry listened to her, the anxiety rising in his stomach, he had been so selfish, not thinking about his mom, or Louis, or anyone, he hated himself so much, he was so stupid. 

Selfish and stupid.

“I’m so sorry mom… I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry, I was so selfish…” Anne was looking at the road. 

She didn’t say anything.

She couldn’t.

***

Four days passed before he could call Louis. He knew he called every day talked to his mom, but never Harry. He was scared Louis wouldn’t forgive him. The call was short and awkward. Louis was at his house half an hour later.

He had baggy clothes on and looked absolutely miserable, like he hadn’t slept in a week, knowing Louis, he probably hadn’t, guilt sank in Harry’s chest, making it heavier. They stared at each other for a while, taking each other in.

“hey” Harry finally said. His voice was weak.

“hey” Louis sounded sad, his eyes were watery, like he was about to cry. He went to sit on Harry’s bed, where Harry was sitting up now, making room for Louis.

“I missed you.” Harry said.

Louis chuckled, the sound was painful and sad, he threw his head back to stop the tears from falling, unsuccessfully.

“you don’t get to say that” he whispered, looking into Harry’s eyes. Harry averted the gaze, he couldn’t look anymore, couldn’t handle the pain in the boy’s red rimmed eyes, Louis was a happy person, always smiley, cheerful and loud, he has never seen him this hurt, this vulnerable and it was killing him more, because it was his fault, he took away the light in his eyes.

Louis wiped his tears, but the new ones replaced them. “what the hell were you thinking Harry? Please, humor me, what the hell were you thinking when you just decided to kill yourself” Harry flinched, unlike Harry, Louis was never afraid to call everything by its name “to leave your life behind like it’s nothing, to leave me forever, did you at least once think about your mom? Did you think about me? What it would do to me?” his tone went from angry to sad and he just seemed so small and hurt, wrapping arms around his chest in a defensive manner, Harry felt like a monster.

“I wasn’t thinking… clearly… I can’t… I’m sorry, okay? Please I’m sorry.” Harry choked out between the sobs, not daring to look at Louis, but he still felt his eyes on himself. They were sitting close together, but not touching.

“why didn’t you call me if you were suicidal? Just why didn’t you call me Harry? we’ve talked about it, I don’t get it…” Louis voice was soothing now, pleading even.

“I was going to at first, but I didn’t want to worry you. And then I got so deep in my head that I didn’t even think about it, it felt like I didn’t know anyone, like I was in a world where everyone was a stranger. I forgot. I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say, there’s no excuse.” It all sounded wrong coming out of his mouth. Why did he fuck everything up?!

“forgot…” Louis shook his head in disbelief. “didn’t want to worry me? You didn’t want to worry me? No, you didn’t want to deal with me worry and with your own fucking self, what the fuck did you think was gonna happen, that you would kill yourself, and I would be like, ‘oh, cool, it’s a good thing I’m not worried now,’ or something? You didn’t want to worry me? Bullshit, you clearly don’t give a shit about me, you know what would happen to me if that woman hadn’t find you soon enough? If you actually died? My world would be broken, forever, and don’t say you’re sorry again Harry, I don’t need that, cause what you did, it will never be okay. God…” Louis tried to wipe endless tears from his face.

Harry had his knees to his chest, trying to make himself smaller, he couldn’t bear the pain in this perfect boy’s eyes, it was all his fault. 

“I don’t know what else to say, I was selfish, I fucked up, I wasn’t thinking.” Harry mumbled, staring at his shaking hands, wishing he could disappear, knowing his words came out dry and too much like excuses.

Louis sighed, looking in Harry’s eyes,slowly reaching, wrapping the boy in his arms gently like the most precious thing, breathing him in, he held him and just felt him, his breathing shaky and uneven and Harry could breathe again for the first time in a week. They stayed like that for a while, silently crying wrapped up in each other’s arms.

Finally, Louis pulled away, his eye still filled with tears. He opened his mouth and closed it again, he looked at Harry, hesitant, then looked down, and looked at Harry again. Harry frowned his eyebrows, trying to read Louis’ expression.

“I’m so fucking glad that you are alright.” Louis said, emphasizing every word, looking deep into Harry’s eyes. “But Harry, I can’t do this anymore, I’m sorry.” He almost whispered, his face was full of uncertainty and fear.

“what do you mean?” Harry asked anxiously, his heart dropped and his head started to spin, he couldn’t lose him, he couldn’t lose the best thing in his life.

“you know that day, I came to see you at work, thinking we would hang out” he paused, rolling eyes at himself, if only he’d known back then “but you weren’t there and you hadn’t been that day, and didn’t even call in sick. It was just a regular day, and suddenly it wasn’t. I got worried and called you but you weren’t picking up, I was so worried, I thought I would throw up, I didn’t, but I did have a full blown panic attack on the way to your house, yeah, I get those too, and then when I saw your mom, she was a mess” Louis shook his head at the memory, trying not to look at the trembling boy in front of him 

“I oddly felt better because I concentrated on helping her find you, I felt like I was at least being of some fucking use, and we were calling and calling and searching for you everywhere and I felt so powerless, so meaningless, so devastated, I had millions of horrible scenarios in my head, it felt like drowning, I didn’t know where was up.” Harry was tugging on his arm, pinching it, biting his lip in attempt to hold back his tears.

“And then we got the call and your mom talked and when they said to come to the hospital, she asked if you were alive, holding her breath, and for a second, before I saw a relief on her face, my world just broke, just like that, everything went silent and the world stopped spinning and I felt like I was dead, and I wanted to be dead, I didn’t want to be in the world without you in it, Harry. God… you mean so much to me… I love you so much. Maybe too much. And that’s why I can’t do this anymore. I understand that you weren’t thinking, I get it, but I have to be selfish too, because you have too much power over me, you mean the world to me and I don’t trust you not to take my world away from me. I just can’t do this anymore, I need some space from you. I need to protect myself, I know it’s selfish and you need me but I can’t, I just can’t go through that again. I’m sorry, but I have to go.” Louis looked at him, he seemed in so much pain that Harry thought he’d never forgive himself for it. He was hesitant still, looking for something in Harry’s eyes to hold on to.

“I know now.” Harry whispered once Louis got up slowly to leave, he had to do something. He felt panicked, he was on the verge of losing everything again, so it was time to be brave, to fight for the thing that really mattered.

“what?” Louis turned around. A mixture of hope and doubt in his eyes.

“I would never do that again” Harry paused, gathering his thoughts. “would never try to kill myself again, because I know now, I know how bad it would hurt the people I love… And I get it if you don’t ever want to talk to me again, and I know it sucks right now, but I know it will get better, I will take meds and go back in therapy and I will be better again someday.” Louis didn’t say anything, just looked at him, like he didn’t believe him, Harry didn’t quite believed it himself, but he had to do something. Louis wasn’t leaving yet, so Harry took it as a chance to continue. 

“I don’t want you to leave Louis” he got up and stood in front of him, holding his arms, Louis didn’t move, just looked at him. “I love you so much Lou, and I can’t say enough how sorry I am for what I did, I realize how fucked up it was.” He looked down for a second, he needed to get it all out “I hate myself for not thinking about you. It just gets so bad sometimes, it’s all dark and I can’t think straight…” This was it, this was the moment he had to do anything and everything to keep him here “I’m begging you, please, Louis, don’t leave me. Just please if there is something I can do to make you stay, tell me, I would do anything just please don’t leave I’m begging you.” Harry was crying, he felt like his world was about to crumble, he was so scared, he couldn’t do it without Louis, without him there was no hope.

He wouldn’t dare breathe now, Louis’ face was twisted in pain and doubt, he was still holding his hands. And then he simply wrapped his arms around Harry like it was the easiest thing in the world.

Relived sob escaped Harry’s mouth as soon as their skin touched, he held Harry so tight he couldn’t breathe, but he didn’t care, because Louis was still here.

“promise me that you’ll never do anything like this again” Louis whispered, still holding Harry tight. “promise me you will at least call me or tell me when you feel suicidal or just feel bad, please, anytime, no matter what, please just reach out to me and let me help you, or if I can’t, let me hold you until it’s better. Just please, if you care about me even a little bit, please don’t ever make me go through that again, please, promise me”

“I promise” Harry cried in relief, Louis wasn’t leaving, he wasn’t leaving. “thank you… please don’t let me go.” Harry whispered, desperately clinging to Louis.

Louis looked at him, wiping tears away from the younger boy’s eyes, kissing where they had been and holding his face, he kissed his eyes and cheeks.

“never.” He said, like he wasn’t about to a few minutes back, before gently kissing Harry’s lips. Harry put his hands on his neck and kissed him with everything he couldn’t say enough of, to make him feel that he meant what he said, that he would never willingly leave him, that he loved him and was so, so, so sorry for what he did. They both cried as they explored the heat of each other’s mouths, breathless, desperate, relieved. 

“I love you” Harry said looking deep into Louis’ eyes.

“I love you too”

Harry walked backwards until his legs hit the edge of the bed, sitting down and pulling Louis on his knees. Louis slid his tongue inside his mouth, licking and teasing.

“I need you Lou” Harry whispered as Louis bit down on his collarbone gently.

“I know baby, I’m here.” He breathed heavily.

“please make love to me” harry breathed out, making Louis stop.

“are you sure?” Louis asked, knowing it would be Harry’s first time.

“never been more sure about anything” Harry said.

“now?”

“I want to forget this hell and just feel your love, please Lou, I need you to make it all go away” he said looking deep into Louis’ eyes, Louis nodded and smiled softly as he slowly pulled up Harry’s shirt, kissing up the revealed skin until taking it off and throwing it on the floor.

“nothing’s going to hurt you baby” Louis whispered cupping Harry’s face gently, making his eyes close in pleasure when he pulled him into another kiss, before gently pushing him back, making him fall on the bed, getting on top of him. He kissed his lips again, shifting his hips to get some friction on their half-hard cocks.

They got rid of their remaining clothes, Louis looked at him, avoiding his bandaged wrist only to kiss down on his soft stomach, just below his ribs, Louis felt so full of peace and certainty when he was like this with Harry, it felt so right.

He got between Harry’s legs wrapping his hand around his cock, giving it few stocks before putting his mouth on it, welcoming a slightly salty taste of his precome, bobbing his head up and down slowly, feeling Harry’s body vibrate from the feeling, small choked noises leaving his mouth. he pulled away, licking his length from the base to the top, feeling it’s weight on his face.

Harry opened his eyes at the loss of contact and Louis caught his gaze, looking into his eyes as he kissed up his body, finding his way back to his delicious, wet lips, Harry kissed him hungrily biting down his bottom lip, making kiss more rough and intense.

Their cocks were brushing up against each other, making Louis roll his eyes back in pleasure.  
“where’s the lube” Louis whispered and Harry reached in one of the drawers next to the bed, handing it to Louis who kneeled between Harry’s legs, in seconds Louis silky finger was circling Harry’s rim.

“just relax baby” he said as he slid one finger in, letting Harry adjust before moving it. Harry hissed when he added another in a while, making Louis stop instantly.

“No, no, no, please keep going” he choked out.

“are you sure babe? We have all the time in the world, no need to hurry” Louis’ voice was soothing.

“I know… it burns a little but in a good way, please keep going, I’ll tell you if it hurts.

By the time Louis was done fingering him, harry was a whimpering mess underneath him, unable to even focus his vision, desperately reaching for his cock just to be held down by Louis telling him “not just yet baby, not just yet”

Louis removed his fingers looking at Harry who had small dots of sweat on his forehead, his face was flushed and lips parted, he was looking in Louis’ eyes, with trust, lust and adoration and fuck if it wasn’t the hottest thing Louis had ever seen, he reached down kissing his lips once more, while slowly pushing his cock inside Harry.

Harry moaned at the feeling, loving the fullness and pleasure that made his vision go black. Louis moved slowly at first, carefully observing Harry’s face, learning his reaction to everything he did. He sat up pulling Harry with him, fucking up into him as Harry held onto his shoulders, kissing him in unsteady rhythm unable to concentrate, while grinding down for more and more. 

Louis bit his lip, deepening the kiss while pushing him back to get on top of him once again, slamming into him as he felt he couldn’t last much longer and judging by how wrecked Harry looked, he’s been on the edge for a while, he wrapped his hand around Harry’s cock, making him moan loudly when he started to stroke, in seconds he felt hot come on his skin and he let himself go, still fucking Harry through their orgasms before collapsing on top of him.

There was nothing in this world but them. Louis didn’t let bad memories or thoughts corrupt his mind as he fell asleep holding Harry tight.

***  
“so harry, how are you feeling today?” asked Lisa.

“I feel better, at least I haven’t thought about suicide, well, after that day last year. At least haven’t considered it seriously. Now I know better...”

“it’s normal to think like that, feel sad, or just have a bad day, we just have to handle it, live with it, and live to the fullest with it, I know it’s hard, but we have come so far, I’m really proud of the progress we have made.”

“I am too. I think I’ve learnt to deal with it to an extent. Bad days are getting more and more rare, and I know how to handle them now.”

“Harry, I talked to your mother and psychiatrist about it, and I think we don’t need weekly therapy sessions anymore, of course, I’m here, if you need to, and you can call me anytime, what do you think? How does it make you feel?”

“yeah, I agree. I feel kind of excited, I feel like I can really do it, I can really live and be happy more often than not. I think I can handle myself.”

“so this is it then, our last weekly meeting.” She smiled at him proudly. “so tell me, how are things?”

“things are good. work is… well, work. University is much better than school, it’s less stressful now that I adjusted, and I have Lou there so that helps a lot” He smiled sweetly.

“he is a good one.” Lisa smiled fondly.

“yes he is, I think he might be the best thing to ever happen to me” he said with a dreamy smile. “we’re moving in together next semester once his roommate moves out.”

“oh really? How do you feel about that?”

“I feel great about it, well, we spend so much time together as it is, we sleep over at each other’s places all the time, you could say we practically already live together, so not much is going to change, but at the same time it feels like a huge step in our relationship. It feels good, reminds me that I’m actually moving forward with my life, including our relationship. I feel so happy with him, he makes me feel alive, I just can’t get enough of him. I always want more.” Lisa gave him a genuine warm smile. 

“but what makes me the happiest of all things is that I feel like a person, for the first time in my life. I have my friends, and work, school, hobbies, I’m handling everything, I’m whole, more or less, I feel like I can think clearly.”

“well, that is the key to the healthy relationship of any kind.” Lisa said “to be your own person, I mean. Without it, you just get lost, dependent, mess everything up and make yourself and others miserable. You have to love yourself first.”

“And I do. I love myself.” He said simply. And he smiled when he realized, he meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> I'd love to hear your thoughts about it.
> 
> \- N


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